sick

this post was originally written 12/20/08

I am getting so sick with all the bullshit at work, with people being fake, with all the exaggeration, with the useless politics. I'm sick of it all.

Sure, people make mistakes. We are not perfect. Sure, people can come in late...but for crying out loud, please don't exaggerate.

One should not be in a managerial position if she can't even take responsibilities and keeps on putting the blame on her crew.

I am getting fed up.

Season's Greetings!

Let the blues do the talking...

Merry Christmas, Cebu

As I'm typing this entry, it's already 2:00 am in Cebu, Philippines.I suppose, my parents already had their Noche Buena. I'm sure they'd invite the neighbors and our house is filled with our neighbors and their kids.

I miss the familiar smell of the food that's cooking in the kitchen, the Christmas carols playing, the carolers,the fireworks (literally. we kick ass on fireworks display during Christmas eve and New Year's eve), our neighbors blaring disco music dancing their hearts out.

My heart longs for home, for my family, for my friends whom I text nonstop and talk on the phone at the same time, for the festive feeling.

And yet, I also realize that home doesn't necessarily have to be a place. One can find home in company of friends. With all the drastic and dramatic changes in my life, I'm truly grateful I have quite a few friends who pulled me through.

This year, I'll be spending Christmas in my own home away from home with somebody who would do everything in his power to make me feel like home. That is the best Christmas present I could ever have.

A short note for Le Boyfriend:

Thank you for putting up the cute little Christmas tree. For the wonderful surprises.

Thank you for taking me twice in a row for evening drives to check out Christmas lights.
It's so much fun and brings fond memories of my childhood back home.

What makes it more special is doing it with you, laughing and being totally amused.

Just letting you know that I appreciate it.

You are hardcore! :)

Shout out for the Queen of my heart :)

Mother dearest and I @ Chocolate Hills last year.

I miss that red hair and my Mama, of course!

To the woman who brought me into this world,

Salamat sa tanan lessons you taught me, the patience and the prayers.

Thank you for teaching me the value of hardwork, living within your means, chasing your dreams while having both feet planted steadily on the ground. :)

I will see you soon and I promise, I'll make you laugh over and over again.


Have a wonderful birthday!

I love you very much.

Dear Snickers bar & Ritter Sport,

Love(handles),

No more of this.

I'm resolved to pulling away... to keeping my distance... to hold it in...

Why do things when nobody really sees it?
Why care so much when it's not reciprocated?
Why even bother?

I'm sick with all of this rollercoaster, hot and cold, up and down bullshit.
What I need is stability and consistency.

I gave too much of myself, I'm taking all of it back.
Screw it all.

I'm telling you, he rocks!!!

Why?

Because last night, he put 4 pieces of my most favorite chocolate in the world, Ritter Sport in my underwear drawer to surprise me and was waiting for my reaction (i know, right?).

Of course, my 8-year-old self kicked in and I jumped up and down while clapping. A truly embarrassing sight that had him laughing his arse off.

And this morning? Another 4 more chocolates in my other drawer.

Ritter Sport = $1.something each (x8)

April acting like an 8 year old = Priceless!

Just the tummy for now, not the tushy...

So, David and I are okay. I am so into making a big fuss and freaking out that I made myself restless the entire day yesterday until he picked me up from work.

Guilty much? I know.

You know how I realized that I got a man that totally rocks? Well, he decided to write it off - my stupid accusations and insinuations. I'm glad he understands (or at least tries to understand) what I'm going through. And for that, I'm thankful.

I made myself swear on Winnie the Pooh's round rumbly tummy that I will try my very best not to do what I did, again. It's a Pooh-lover's honor so it's kind of a big deal.

Sometimes, I take pride of the title: the Royal Screw Up.

Today is one of those days when I should be wearing that crown and sash.
It's been a really bad day. It started out this morning with an overactive imagination gone wrong and pissed David off.

I've been told that I have a knack for ruining good things in my life and pushing the people, who love me and I love, away.
Since then, I've been on guard for whatever unintentional actions that I might stupidly do. And *tadah!!!* I’m doing the same old crap again.

Like thinking that I don't deserve my boyfriend.
Like thinking that he should be with somebody else (taller, prettier, slimmer).
Like thinking that one day shit's going to happen and I'll be totally abandoned again.

Stupid issues. Stupid paranoia. Stupid shit.

I know deep in my heart that I have a good man in my life. He met me when I was in my worst shape and hung in with me.
He's very supportive and held my hand through out those times. I am truly grateful for having him in my life.

But coming out from a failed marriage where I've been betrayed, hurt and wounded, my insecurities creep up on me sometimes.

I know it's stupid. It doesn't make sense.

Sure, David isn't a saint. He's not perfect. He can be a butthead sometimes but I know he won't do anything to hurt me.

Why am I entertaining stupid thoughts? Why I am trying to ruin something that's so precious to me?

*Le sigh*

Oh, and the cherry on the icing of a 10-foot-tall screw up cake? I failed to inform my boss that his boss from corporate had called and asked for a call back. The repercussions of me forgetting that? I almost got fired. Sweeeeeeeeeeeet!

Wow

It's official. US is in recession.

How scary is that?

I'm thankful for...

• David - the love of my life, my balance and the only guy who can fart and burp in front of me numerous times but is still damn sexy in my eyes. Thank you for EVERYTHING.

• My Fallonite Friends - Andrea, you are awesome. Hang in there, sunshine! Courtney, you should totally give me the brand of crack you're on while at work. You are stinkin' fabulous! Steve (yes, you are a wee bit of a Fallonite), yeah we banter like brother and sister and I'll miss that about you!

• My two jobs - despite the fact that sometimes, I feel like I'm torturing myself. I'm thankful that I have TWO and not just one. It helps, a lot.
  


• The Chipmunks - I miss you all and I love you. I can't wait for "the return of the comeback". Numero Doce, The Beat, Bantayan, Boracay... here we come!!!

• Fidel - You are my super duper best friend ever. I love you more than anything and anyone. I swear if you decide to stop liking guys, we're getting married! I miss you, porn star!



• The Brother - Kiss some Kangaroo's ass for me there in OZ. I'm so proud of you.


• The Parents - You both are my rock and my inspiration. I love you.

• Ger - Yes, Ger. Thank you. Whatever had happened has shaped me to become the woman that I am right now. I wish you all the best.

Save a turkey, Eat a pizza! Happy Thanksgiving Day!

Indecisive

I've always been that way. It takes time for me to decide and making decisions sometimes, overwhelms me. I tend to overanalyze things and most of the time, it works to my disadvantage. My brain eats me alive.

Case in point, I cannot decide what to do with my layout. I've been wanting to change it.

I just don't know what I want to do with it. What colors. What design.

Decisions, decisions.

*sigh*

I'm so excited, I could almost pee in my pants!

Is it the 21st yet?????

Happy Halloween!!!

I promise, I'll blog with updates.

:)

Can I go as a Couch Potato?

yeah, that title is pretty lame, but oh well...

So it's almost Halloween. Now that I've moved in town with real neighbors, it will be my first Halloween experience ever. I know, pathetic, right? See, since I got here in the US, I've lived in a farm house, kinda outside of town and who the heck would want to go trick or treating there?

I got a problem though, that evening, I work at Starbucks untils 9:45 pm! Meaning, I will miss all those kids walking around in costumes, asking for candies and all that Halloween stuff.

What I have in mind right now is find somebody who could cover my shift. I hope somebody can. Although, I'm doubting it just because it's Halloween and people have costume parties to go to.

David and I already got candies. Except, we have been "slowly attacking" them already.

We'll see if the candies make it until Friday.

Shoes and Haunted Houses

I guess it's about time I post some updates... I've been a really bad blogger lately.

My American Express fiasco is already taken care of. I called them and I made sure that I ain't paying for that charges made to my account.

So now, I'm all moved in & almost "unpacked". I could not believe how much shoes I've got. They're actually just piled up in the middle of the living room. I have no room to put them. So I guess I'll be donating them or something.

Anybody there who's size 8 and lives in Fallon and wants some good shoes, holler at me!

Other than that, life's good. I've been taking things one day at a time. David is quite awesome. I really appreciate his presence in my life and how he always assures me that it's all going to be okay whenever I have my "freak out moments".

On the other hand, last night Steve ( a workmate of mine at Starbucks ) mentioned something about going to a Haunted House. He asked David & I if we wanted to go. I was laughing because how could there be a haunted house here in Fallon??? Seriously.

Well, apparently, I was wrong. There is one and it's on the Fairgrounds. It's like $3/person. That's cheap. Plus $2 for a hay ride. No, I'm not kidding. HAY RIDE! Well, it's Fallon. lol.

The last time I went to a Haunted House was in Jentzen Beach in Portland. That was fun! It was quite pricey though but sooooooo worth it!

So now with this haunted house in Fallon, I'm all intrigued and I want to go...

WTF!

I'm mad, fuming mad. When is this bullshit ever gonna end???? Remember the fraudulent transactions made on two of my accounts (one with my credit card and the other one with my bank card)?

Well, I've been getting security alert phone calls from my American Express. I just checked my account online and there are freakin' 7 unauthorized transactions for some stupid computer games!

I haven't even used my American Express card for 6 months now!

I am pissed! How could this just keep on happening to me ?!?!? I am seriously worried that my freakin' identity is getting compromised.

Ugh. F*CK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I got nothing else to do...

• How tall are you barefoot? not tall enough :-p
• Have you ever smoked? nope
• Do you own a gun? no, I don't
• Do you hate someone right now? no, I don't. hate is such a strong word. let's stick with the good vibes
• Do you get nervous? yeah
• What do you think of hotdogs? they're okay.. specially the ones from Whole Foods!
• What's your favorite Christmas song? The Christmas Song
• What do you prefer to drink in themorning? Water
• Can you do push ups? I could
• What's your favorite piece of jewelry? Earrings
• Do you like pain killers? no
• What is your secret weapon to lurethe opposite sex? LOL. That will forever remain a secret ;)
• Do you own a knife? Thanks for reminding me, I need to get some kitchen knives
• Name? April. And you?
• Name 3 things u wanna do at this exact moment? Sleep, see David and clean up the house
• Name the last 3 things you havebought lately: I've been buying A LOT of things lately
• Name 3 drinks you regularlydrink: Water, Water, Water
• What time did you wake up today? 6:30
• Current worry? Lots....
• Current hate? Waking up so bloody early as the weather gets colder
• Favorite place to be? Home.
• Least favorite place to be? My old place
• Where would you like to go now? Home.
• Do you own slippers? Ummm, yeah. It would be so sad if I don't
• What shirt are you wearing? work clothes
• Favorite colors? Brown, Purple, Pink and Black
• Would you like to be a pirate? No, I can't stand dirty fingernails. lol.
• Last time you had an alcoholic drink? two weeks ago, had that Strawberry Smirnoff that was just disgusting...
• What songs do you sing in the shower? Depends on my mood
• What fear gets you at night as a child? Monsters underneath my bed
• What's in your pocket/s right now? Nothing...
• Last thing that made you laugh? I haven't laughed yet so far today... pretty sad.
• Last thing that made you cry? Annoyance, hurt and pain that I'd rather not discuss about
• Worst injury you've ever had? Back when I was 2 years old, I fell down the stairs, hit my forehead and I have that scar to remind me how "playful" I was.
• How many cellphones do you have? 3
• Who is your loudest friend? Via, Fidel, Clauden & Courtney! lol.
• Who is your most silent friend? Hmmm... Andrea can be really silent
• Last movie watched? The Eye, unfinished
• What is your favorite book? Twilight Series
• What is your favorite chocolate? Ritter Sport
• What song do you want to be played at your wedding? "At Last" :)
• What were you doing 12 AM lastnight? Sleeping
• What was the First thing you did today? smiled :)
• What was the last thing you did the day before yesterday? kissed my baby! :)

*Whew*

Finally, the move is over. Unpacking is one heck of a job and I know I'll get on it. :)

Thanks to Andrea, David and Stephen for helping me out. What would I do without them?

New Beginnings

So, remember my last post, the Apartment Haunting? Well, I lucked out. I finally found a place. In fact, I’m moving in tomorrow. I know, right? I can’t even fathom the idea of moving AGAIN.

It seems like every year, I move :

2005 - Fernley to Fallon
2006 - Fallon to Vancouver, WA
2007 - Vancouver, WA back to Fallon
2008 - Fallon to Fallon

The most ironic part is I hate moving! I hate putting stuff in boxes, lifting them, then unpacking them… the whole thing drives me nutters! And not to mention the mess and cleaning up.
But I think this move is going to be different. It’s a BIG move. Couldn’t it be sooo classic that the big “move” I’m going to make would be right here in Fallon?

I know, I know, I’m pretty vague. I’d like to keep it that way, what you see is what you get.

Also, I’m excited. For new beginnings, a whole new chapter of my life. Now, if I could just get the same “excitement” for tomorrow, life will be totally awesome. Or not.

Got this from the Curly girl :)

It's been a while since I've done this thing on my blog. Let the questions roll...

• Is there someone you really can't stop thinking about? Yes
• Are you single? Not anymore :)
• How do you think your latest ex feels about you? That I don't know and wouldn't want to know
• Do you like what you see in the mirror? Yep
• What are you listening to right now? Silence
• What makes you laugh? Andrea, David and stupid lame ass tv shows
• What are you doing tomorrow? Work. Fun. Not.
• Have you kissed anyone on the lips within the past week? Yep.
• Did you ever think someone didn't like you, but come to find out they really did? Yeah
• Where is your ex? Home? I don't really care to know
• Do you regret doing something last night? Nope. None at all! :)
• Do you have someone who you can be your complete self around? Yes.
• When you think about your last kiss, what does it remind you of? It reminds me that life's beautiful... that there's still passion and that I'm so bloody in love, it's not even funny. lol.
• Who was the last person to call you? Andrea
• What's irritating you right now? I can't concentrate.
• Have you ever kissed anyone with a name that starts with A or Z? No. But what's up with that?
• When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face? Monday night
• Where's the person you miss most? Philippines
• Have you ever kissed an ex after the breakup? Heck no.
• Looking back, did you ever waste too much time on a certain boy or girl? Yeah, it wasn't much of a waste, as much as a time not well spent
• Is there a difference between love and in love? Yes.
• Have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends with them? Yeah. haha. Highschool drama and all that crap
• How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? 4
• What were you wearing during your last kiss? My work clothes
• Whats one thing you wish someone special would do? Take me to Tahoe and go snowboarding or ice skating... just go places... :)
• Where were you at 9pm Friday night? Working
• Are you waiting for something? Yes.
• What was the worst mistake of your life? Holding back
• Do you hate being alone? No. I hate being lonely though.
• Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed? I don't know
• Do you find the opposite sex confusing? haha. yeah.
• What's the last thing you laughed really hard over? One was with Andrea and other one was with David...
• Have you ever kissed someone who's name starts with a C? Nope
• Who was the last person to make you smile? David
• What are you thinking right now? I can't wait to move in to my own place.
• Who was your last text from? Brittyn
• What's your middle name? Lyn
• Have you ever lost a close friend? Nope
• What is your current mood? Lethargic and really really really sleepy
• What's one of your sisters name? No sisters, biologically. But I really consider Andrea as my sister :)
• What' s your favorite color? Lavender/Purple, Pink, Black and Brown
• If you could go back in time and change something, would you? No. Because if I alter things... then I wouldn't find the happiness I am feeling right now
• Have a crazy side? You absolutely have no idea.
• Ever had a near death experience? Cancer scare
• Are you mad at anyone right now? Nope
• What's stopping you from going for the person you like? It was the fear of rejection, the fear of getting hurt and too much future tripping
• Who would you do anything for? My family and umm.. David :)
• Are you happy with your life? Abso-freakin-lutely!
• Is there someone that you will never stop loving? Yes
• Who do you trust most? Andrea and David.
• Have you ever been in a fist fight? Long time ago...
• Have you hugged someone in the past week? Yes
• Do you speak any other language? Yes :)
• Describe your life in one word? Adventure! :)
• Have you ever kissed in the rain? I sure would love to!
• What should you be doing right now? Working. Shhh...
• Who are you thinking of right now? David.

So close...

I can feel that I'm almost over this hump...

Saturday is the big day. I can't wait.

*yawn*

I got here at work an hour early today and this was my boss' reaction as he walked by my desk:

Me: Good Morning, boss!

Him (obviously shocked): Are you that early? Or am I that late?

Me: Nah, I'm early.

Him (with a sign of relief on his face): Oh good.

That one big step

Nothing could possibly explain how mixed up & messed up my emotions are.

No, I don't think I'm going Bi-Polar.

I'm going through a really tough time, it's been a long time coming and I'm glad that I'm FINALLY doing what I should done a long time ago.

Deep in my heart, I'm really happy. I look forward to the changes that are coming.

But I am also realistic, I know that it's not going to be a walk in the park. I am starting to feel how awful it's going to be despite my attempts to make it really smooth and less traumatic.

If there is one thing that came at the most perfect timing, albeit unexpected, is My Rockstar. The timing could have never been perfect. The reassurance and sincerity coming from somebody like him makes me believe that everything is going to be okay.

The happiness that I'm feeling right now is coming from the anticipation that soon, it's going to be over and things will be a whole lot different. Although sometimes the dark clouds tend to hide the sunshine away, My Rockstar is my silver lining.

hmmm...

"Things happen for a reason". I've always heard that line and I've always thought it was either BS or an overrated cliche... until fairly recently.

Things REALLY happen for a reason.

All I'm saying is I'm very happy, plus somebody is giving me a reason to smile, is making me look forward to each day being with him, is giving me some strength and hope that everything is going to be okay.

I'm positive that whatever I'm going through right now, I'm gonna make it.

I'm determined to be happy, damn it! :)

This ADD moment is brought to you by... oh a bunny rabbit!

Please pardon my rapid layout change.

I cannot decide which one to use. I have no time to play with graphics and html so it can't really be "April-ified".

3rd post for the day

Wow, I must be REALLY bored.

Anyhooooo...

Why are some people cranky? Why? What's their problem?

Having a bad day? I am too. But I don't bite anybody's head off. I try my hardest to smile even if it's excruciating.

Don't worry, Sue happy

I thought I had issues with my worst-dye-job-ever hair until I read this.

Under Construction

I'm bored with my super white plain layout.
New Layout, or maybe a recycled one is coming right up.

But for now, I'm enjoying my Halloween layout! ;)

She's the Bee in the Itch

So I walked in Starbucks close to tears because of my stupid cramps. It really hurts like hell.

To make the long story short, I talked to my supervisor saying that if there's any way I can leave early because the pain is unbearable and I probably can't make it through my entire shift without crying buckets or something worst like dropping my uterus on the ground.

This another co-worker of mine gave out that conniving diabetically-sweet smile saying, "Are you okay?".

"I don't feel good.", I responded.

"Oh, you just don't wanna close, do you?".

She was insinuating that I'm "faking" this stupid cramps and squeezing out my tear ducts just to avoid work. WTF is her problem.

Was she trying to make a joke? She should try harder, it wasn't funny.

I'm typing this while I'm still concious

I'm suffering in pain. Literally. No exaggeration. Cramps is a fuckin' torture. Seriously.

I'm worried because I have to work at Starbucks tonight and I have to be on my feet for more than 4 hours.

How am I supposed to do that with a pain like this???? It feels like somebody's punching my stomach and at the same time, something is trying to wrench out my uterus.

No kidding.

It's like a neon sign saying "LOOK AT ME"

There are three ugly creatures sitting on my face. They're annoying and they're attracting attention for wrong reasons.

The first one, I call it the "Boogimple". Because it's sitting right near the opening of one of my nosetrils. It looks like a booger but it just really is an ugly pimple.

Second one, I call it the "Angelina Joliemple". Because it's sitting right below my thick lower lip and it hurts like crazy. And also because I'm wondering if Angelina Jolie gets pimples like mine sometimes...

And the last one, I call it the "Flashing One" because it's resting near my chin and it's HUGE and it makes people stare at it like you just want to pop it.

They're only here for a short visit to welcome "the red flag". Pretty soon (like tonight), they're soooo getting evicted through in any means possible, Proactiv, Witch hazel, Yes to carrots facial mask or heck, sand paper! I don't care, whatever it takes.

One line.

I love it!

Definitely worth the money. I love it so much that I bought the Twilight audio book.

Biting the bullet

Since I am working my tushy off like a mad horse, I am buying myself new toys. Read: gadgets.

So I got an iPod Touch and I'm totally inlove with it. I have an 8gig but I think I'm getting an upgrade and get myself a 16gig, I'm uploading photos and my audiobooks in it, plus music and some videos too.

And today, I just ordered an HP 15" dual core laptop. I bought it at WalMart because they have the best prices and less-hassle return policy (I hate paying "restocking fees). It should be here next week or two. I can't wait.

They are not exactly cheap and I know the economy sucks right now and people may think I'm just wasting my money, but hey! I work 70 hours a week, I deserve some treats. ;)

a new toy

I've been wanting to get myself one and finally, I bought myself an iPod Touch.

I can say it's pretty worth the money. The hitch? Well, my iTunes version is SO caveman era, I think it's 4.5 or something. It came with my laptop which is 3 years old. God knows how many updates Apple did since then.

Of course, I could always download the latest version which is iTunes 8.something. Another hitch? My internet connection is SO slow, a snail crawling on a chunky peanut butter would win the race. Yes, that slow.

My only solution is to bring my laptop and the iPod Touch to work. Make this shit work during my lunch of break.

I'm crossing my fingers that it works.

For now, night night my few lovely readers! :)

bits and pieces

• Stress is killing me with juggling two jobs plus getting my ass chewed left and right. It's not so much as the two jobs, as it is with the schedule and time management. I know I'll get through this. But this emotional upheaval that I'm going through does not help. at. all.
• I realize how much I hate hypocrites every time I see one. Case in point, whenever I get the "pleasure and horror" of working with this certain workmate, it drains all the energy out of me to try to be nice to her. After I've been thrown under the bus by her, I can't help but feel repulsive. She does not know that I am aware of what she did, but she is so fuckin' fake. Acting all sweet and nice. Ugh.
  
• I've been an emotional wreck lately. I wish I could elaborate on this... maybe in time I will.

South beach diet, anyone?

If dolphins can do it, I possibly can!

On the bright side? At least, I don't have to do some aquatic stunts. ;)

Whoever said that...

...time flies fast when you're having fun is lying!

My day is flying and I'm not sure if I'm having fun.

I don't know where the rest of the day went because I'm SO busy. In between taking phone calls, I've had a lot of paperwork to do. I'm pretty sure, it's not as much as other people does, but still, it's driving me nuts because I hate clutter. Ugh.

Not to mention that I've been feeling under weather since last night.

Now, I'm taking a breather because "they're" on a meeting and I'm going to try this yummy scoop of chocolate ice cream and a slice of chocolate cake, dang it!

Oooppsss! There goes the phone ringing again, I spoke too soon.

At least there's no need for a heimlich maneuver

You know what's funny?

... I just spent my half an hour lunch walking to the gas station to get me some 100% beef hot dogs (no nitrates and all those other crap).

... and I'm sitting here on my desk eating the oh-so-good hotdog!

... and every bite I take, I silently pray that the phone doesn't ring.

I've marked this date weeks ago!

September 22, 2008.

My most awaited night. Why? Why because it's the premier for Dancing with the Stars!!!

For those who don't know yet, I love to dance. I love dancing. I blew hundreds of dollars when I went to Arthur Murray School of Dance and I know it's worth it.

So yeah, I'm a dork like that. :)

I finally have a social life!!!

Last night was fabulous! I had dinner at La Fiesta with my friends, Andrea and Courtney. I just don't consider them as my workmates, they're my friends and they're really awesome.

We had a great time just chatting away and being crazy.

Oh, and did I mention that the purpose of having dinner at this Mexican restaurant in Maine Street was to see Andrea's crush as well? He's really cute and from what we've heard, he's straight edge.

Well, he used to be this crush of mine too (like a long time ago, Andrea please don't kill me lol), until I learned that he was 18. Too young, butI digress.

What cracks me up the most was he was our waiter last night and everytime he'd come near our table, Andrea and Courtney would go crazy silent. I had my back on him so I really have no idea what's going on and I'd just keep on blabbing until I realize what the awkward silence was all about.

It was hysterical. I was nervous for Andrea and I was watching myself so that I won't say something really stupid.

Anyway, we gave him a huge tip and Andrea's phone number written on the guest receipt!

Andrea instinctively went in the bathroom because she doesn't want to be a part of Courtney's insane but ingenious idea.

As we were walking out of the restaurant, we made sure to tell him that the tip on the table was for him. I also "planted a seed" saying he should come by to Starbucks and we'll (or Andrea will) make him a Caramel Macchiato!

and the seed shall grow...

To Andrea and Courtney, you ladies are fantabulous! Cheers!

It hit me like a "whoa!"

I finally got the sign I was looking for. An answer. So I'm letting it go and letting it flow.

And as if the sign wasn't enough, I found this too...

• Be patient toward all that is unresolved in your heart...
  Try to love the questions themselves...
  Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given
  because you would not be able to live them
  and the point is to live everything.
  Live the questions now.
  Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answers.
  - Rainer Maria Rilke

crossing my fingers

I'm over analyzing things. It's eating me alive.

I just don't want to appear like a freak. But at the same time, I know that if I don't do it, I will regret it for the rest of my life.

duct tape across my lips

Yesterday was another tough day at work. What makes matters worst was that I did not even see it coming.

I had a serious talk with my manager and yes, it was all about the gossip.

It sucks to be accused of being involved in the gossip chain, when I'm the one who's being talked about. It's my private life that's being exposed out there for people to feast on. Yet, somehow, she said, all the gossip leads back to me.

Of course, it leads back to me. I'm the one they're talking about!

I learned that even if I don't say anything, people will still put words in my mouth. Their distorted perception just adds fuel to the fire.

To top that off, there was an incident with a supervisor and a customer. I was merely a witness and had to apologize for the mishap. You know, customer service. I just can't shake off what she did but still, what I did was apparently wrong because I got involved.

I honestly don't know what to do now. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells and I have to watch out whatever I do or say. I've never felt so restricted and so edited at the same time.