why hello there, blog!
whew! it's been a while. where do I start? So much has happened? Nothing significant, except for our trip to Wisconsin which was so much fun!
here's our souvenir photo from Little Norway, WI.
It was so much fun meeting David's family. More importantly, I've seen a different side of him that makes me love him more. :)
Day One
For the 30-Day Shred that I have long been procrastinating to do.
Finally, we did it today. Yes, we. David has to do it, as well. I think I can pull through the work out better if he's right beside me struggling and panting, sweating buckets, knowing that I'm not alone and I need a silent encouragement.
So the 20 minutes was short. But torture.
It wasn't bad, like really really bad. But it was pretty much like death as well.
I keep flipping Jillian off. I mean, damn those abs, those muscles, those legs.
I am going to try my hardest to do this as often as I can. Daily, if must be.
I really really need to lose weight so I'm going to try to stick to this.
So help me, God.
so what really happened...
this post is a continuation or a conclusion of my previous post.
I found a box with some of his past in it (letters and rings). One ring had bothered me the most. It was a beautiful. Inside in an old black velvet dusty box was an engagement ring.
What crossed my mind was exactly this, "What the fuck is this engagement ring doing here? Why is he keeping his ex's engagement ring here? In our house? WHY?".
Those were the screaming thoughts in my head. Fuming mad thoughts.
While all this was happening, he was at work. We were exchanging texts. Him, trying to explain and calm me down. Me, trying to break up with him and things one might say in anger.
He got home late at night. We had the talk.
He said that he forgot all about those letters. He wasn't aware it was still there. And he tossed ALL of it out. Good.
And he proceeded to tell me that the engagement ring hasn't been given to anybody. Nobody had deserved it. No ex has seen it and certainly, have had it.
You know what else sucks? He told me he was planning to give it to me on our trip to the Philippines next year. But I blew it. And um, now I just have to wait for the surprise.
The thing is, I love surprises. BUT I absolutely hate it when somebody tells me they have a surprise for me. It drives me crazy. Which brings to the other thing that I hate, waiting. I absolutely have no patience for surprises.
But I guess, I'll just have to wait.
Bitch.
pouring it all out...
Hi, my name is April. I'm 25 years of age and a divorcee.
I've had my heart broken a lot of times and it's not fun. I try my best to snap out of it and move on. People always say, "What's the use of crying?". But I can't help but cry. I wear my heart on my sleeve and that's just how it's going to be.
I tend to be vulnerable. Maybe because most of the time, I chose to keep quiet. I chose to go on my own and not mind people's mean remarks. And I know with this choice, I'm treated like a door mat.
People sometimes call me timid, weak and somebody "you can chew and spit out". I just let them be. Because I don't want to prove myself to anybody, what for?
Today, I was just going to clean the house while I'm alone and I have the time.
What I didn't expect was to uncover some things from the past. Somebody's past. I don't know what to make of it. Was it a way of clinging to a piece of the past? Or was it just "accidentally" forgotten?
There is one thing I know of myself. I don't like omission of facts. Yes, I am fully aware that we all have past. But once both of you have talked about leaving it all behind, then that means leaving ALL of it behind.
I can't bear to see a remnant of someone's past.
More importantly, I can't take it all in that what I am is a filler of what somebody couldn't have. I could never fill in those shoes. Nor stand in for those shadow. I will not be able to replace the-once-was-the-leading-lady of the story. I could never fit in the mold. That was her. This is me.
So right now, I am so perplexed. My heart is broken and I am a beautiful mess.
I know, this too shall pass. It hurts like a bitch. But I've been through the worst.
I realize that there is no use in crying, but for now, this is the best I could do.
CAUTION:
Agenda:
on things that have been running on my mind...
it's creeping up, slowly...
Depression. Self Pity. That's what it is.
It's like this relentless feeling that would not stop. I am fighting it. I really am. But sometimes, it gets the best of me.
Like tonight.
I was fine, a little bit stressed, but nothing too bad. I've been browsing my friends' page over at Friendster and MySpace, checking out photos and getting updates of how their life has been. It's nothing stalkerish, that's what a social networking site is for, right?
Anyhow, I saw two friend's pages. They've just given birth. Months ago. And bam! They're back to their pre-pregnancy weight.
I cannot also deny that Summer's almost here and it's been quite a Summer in the Philippines already. People in their swimsuit. Damn, they look so good!
Then, that's when this dark unapologetical self pity consumes me. Here I am, no kids and I'm FAT.
For some reason, that word just makes me cringe and cry. After being called fat numerous times, I finally broke down. I cried on David's shoulders, pouring out what I've been holding back.
I thank God for giving me a great boyfriend. He was very supportive, he calmed me down and he made me feel better. I know that he didn't just say things to "make me feel better", I can feel his honesty and his sincerity.
He reminded me that he's the only one that matters. What other people say doesn't and shouldn't mean anything.
I know he is right. I should start believing him and keeping that in mind.
The goodness in the heart is what matters anyway... That and I've got somebody who really loves me, fats and all.
things to do:
Who would have thought?
For the first time in my life, I detest shopping for clothes for myself. You heard that right. I’m loathing the thought of it.
Why? Because this time, I REALLY NEED to shop. See, I have been stuffing my face with so much food and so much junk, not to mention I went back to drinking soda that I might as well have a Pepsi IV. So it would not be much of a surprise that I gained weight. A lot.
Yesterday morning was the rude awakening, to the truest sense of the word.
I tried every bottoms I have in my closet. Nothing fits. My work capris, heck, I’d be lucky if I can zip it up. My black slacks that I got from JC Penney not so long ago (and I haven’t worn them yet!), I can’t even button it. Well, I can button it but you’d never at look muffins the same way again.
See my dilemma? I was depressed all day yesterday. I felt like I’m a huge hippo sitting on the front desk. That would be comical if it was some other day, but yesterday, I just want to break down and cry.
The boyfriend doesn’t have any problem with my weight. He keeps on refuting my statement every time I tell him that I’m fat. He says, I may be pudgy but not fat. Being of an awesome boyfriend that he is, he bought a treadmill. That sucker is sitting in our guest bedroom collecting dust because I cannot work out in such a cluttered room. (We haven’t unpacked all of our stuff yet.)
I know I can work out and lose it. But I cannot keep wearing the same skirt or pants (those few that fit and just create an “acceptable” muffin top) week by week until I drop down two sizes. Hell. No.
So the only solution is to get me some new work clothes with a bigger size.
Shit.
So, I've been M.I.A. for quite a while...
Blogger.com has been "blocked" at work by those stupid blogging-pooper people corporate. Not only that, Wordpress and Typepad too.
My old blog site is the only site I can access. That's where I've been blogging. Oh goodness, it's my only therapy, blogging. There is no way I'm giving up on it.
So I will be cross posting.
Maintaining two blog is going to be an bitch, but hey, a blogger has gotta do what she has to do.
Random thoughts
Thank goodness she didn't see my butt cheeks blush!
People say the most awkward things sometimes...
David and I were at the Wal-Mart parking lot, trying to fit the dining set and a bookcase into the back of my car, when a girl suddenly said, "Hey".
I looked at her and she was looking at me and said, "I like your butt".
I was like, "umm.. thanks?". Insert awkward smile here.
She shrugged, "I'm sorry but I just like it". The boyfriend was shaking his head.
Again, I gave her my awkward smile and went back to what I was doing.
Well, I'd to take it as a compliment despite the weirdness and the awkwardness of it all.
Let the photos do the talking...
True that!
"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive shit"
I can't sleep...
It's past midnight and I'm wide awake. I have work tomorrow and I'm pretty sure my eyes will be as puffy as it with allergies, if not worse.
For the life of me, I cannot sleep.
I'm getting stressed out. Planning a trip to Vegas, the prospect of moving to a new place, plus I'm getting my new vintage car (fancy way of describing a second-hand car) plus the insurance, paying rent for two places (since there will be an overlap), trying to get myself a well-deserved long-lasting birthday present and making sure that I'll have an awesome time for my birthday getaway...
I feel like I'm the only one working too hard on this. Planning, spending, making sure the reservations are made so I can score a good deal...
I'm getting exhausted.
I'm beginning to feel like I'm the only one who wants this.
Maybe I should just consider staying in town and forget about this whole thing.
It's just another year anyway...
✌,
Wishlist!
I make wish lists every year, just because I like to indulge myself into thinking that I might be getting anything from it.
Here it goes...
And I would like for myself to get one or two of the following:
And for my totally unrealistic but I'm going to make it happen somehow-someday wish:
Understand that all of these are just wishlist. Just like you wish you can travel to Europe for under $20, that kind of wishful thinking. :) But really, I'm getting one of these puppies that I posted here. Somehow, I want to reward myself for being a corporate slave. Lol. And being April, what a good way to reward yourself than to buy a good quality but break your bank purse! Lol.
Kidding aside, I really don't want a lot for my birthday. I just want a relaxing day with my man, a real nice dinner and some laughter. :)
Las Vegas or San Francisco????
So I'm making a poll. You, whoever is reading this, will have to summon whatever will power you have to click on comment and leave an answer. (Pretttyyy pllllleaaseee...?)
(If you're over 25, pretend like you're turning 25. if you're not close to being 25, still pretend you're turning 25 *wink*)
Where would you want to go on your 25th birthday, Las Vegas or San Francisco?
They can all kiss my ass!
I’ve been called fat to my face 5 times in one month by some acquaintances, all of them Filipinas. No, I’m not kidding. True story.
The fifth time happened today with one of our dietary aides at work, as I was clocking out for my lunch break.
Here’s the flow of our conversation:
Me: Hey, do you know if the commissary has big bags of brown rice? I recently
switched and was wondering if they have bigger ones compared to WalMart’s.
Her: Oh. Hey, you look like you’re losing weight.
Me: What? Are you sure?
Her: No, actually, it’s the opposite. You’re gaining weight. Your face is getting rounder. What are you doing to your body?
Me: *awkward smile, shrug and silence*
Being grown up sucks sometimes...
because of such term called responsibilities and bills. The irony of getting a paycheck is just it's waiting to be spent.
Well, at least rent and bills are paid. I don't have that hanging over my head but my checking account is nearing bone dry
Normally, I would have freaked out over this. I'm really good and disciplined with my finances and have been able to save despite a minimal income.
Lately though, I've been trying to squeeze everything in and not having been able to save anything.
The boyfriend and I are planning a trip to the Philippines next year so he could meet my family. The idea is so exciting, the reality is I have to start saving for that trip. It's not exactly cheap.
Plus, we'll be going to Wisconsin this year to visit his family and he won't take no for answer. So I'm going. That's going to be another pay cut because I won't be at work, obviously.
*sigh*
I know this is not blogging etiquette at its finest. It was my personal vow not to divulge or blog anything about my finances.
But my worries and my silent freaking out moments are clouding my mind and I don't want the boyfriend to hear about it.
I'm sure he's had enough of it, so here I am venting it all out in my lonely space on cyberspace.
Like I said, being grown up sucks sometimes...
I cannot decide!!!
I'm thinking of switching to Wordpress because I have a Wordpress app on my iTouch. Lame, I know. But when I'm at work, I'd have this "This needs to be blogged" moment and for some reason by the time I get myself to write it all down, it'd completely slip my mind.
On the other hand, I'm still working on redesigning this blog. It might encourage me to blog more often.
I swear, I need a creative outlet. My mind is full of ideas but my laziness is getting the best of me.
El Nido, Palawan
Lately, I've been having this wanderlust and thus browsing spots in Philippines that I'd want to go to when I go home to visit (who knows when).
I remembered my uncle, who's an engineer, worked in El Nido, Palawan years ago for a construction project.
I did my research online and this is what I found.
El Nido, Palawan is paradise! I couldn't believe how far some Filipinos would go for a relaxing vacation when you don't even need a passport to visit El Nido.
I can't wait to go there. I'm making this a priority! Lol.
Check these links and these photos, can you blame me?
Photos from www.elnidopalawan.com
Here's a slide show I found online too!
Guess who's back in town?
He is.
I saw him yesterday. I had to take a second look to make sure that it was him. Gosh, it's been so long since I've seen that face, about 7 months, I think.
The weirdest part is, I saw him and that was it. No more giddiness, that OMG-I'm-gonna-jump-up-and-down-like-a-little-girl giddiness.
I couldn't help but laugh upon remembering how I was 7 months ago. I guess the thought of having a school girl crush made me so excited. I mean, being in a dead relationship at that time, you kinda forget how being giddy feels like.
I acted like a lil girl who gets excited at the thought of seeing a crush. All innocent. Fun. No malice. Of course, I never even wanted to be with him. He was just really cute. And friendly. And when he left, I moved on.
It was such a sweet funny childish memory. It made work more fun, somebody or something to look forward to. I'm glad I had it.
And thinking about it right now, I'm truly thankful that it's David who I'm with.
:)
My most favorite quote as long as I live...
Something is wrong with me
I could not elaborate on what it is because of privacy issues... I wish I could though.
It's scaring me and making me feel bad as a person, as a woman. It's making me feel like I'm not normal.
Sometimes, I'd look at a person and I'd be asking myself, "Why can't I just be like them?". I realize that it's wrong to compare oneself to others, but in this situation, I couldn't help myself.
I am even wishing now that I'd be the same way as I am before. Detached. Too detached to even entertain the thought.
But I know that if I get into that mode, I'd be harming a relationship that I've learned to norture, work on and care for.
I'm at a cross roads here and I'm not sure which path to take. All I know is something is wrong with me and I'm scared. I feel awful, ashamed and sick.
pardon the weirdness of it all
I'm trying to re-vamp my layout and I'm doing it really slow...
so pardon me.
I promise, it'll be for the good.
xox,
I've been gone for quite some time, although I've been reading blogs silently (meaning, I don't exactly leave a comment).
In such amount of time, so much has happened. Some things are worth blogging, some aren't.
Well, over the weekend, I got something that's worth blogging for.
I quit my job as a barista at Starbucks.
It was a hard decision to make but at some point in our lives, we have to stand up for ourselves and let people know that we are not putting up with anything less than we deserve.I really love being a barista. It was a humbling experience and it was a great adventure. It helped me a lot and as much as it did, I also know that I don't owe anybody anything.
It just simply has to end. No more unnecessary stress. No more double standards. All of which I took for a year, that's how much I love what I was doing but then I cannot simply allow a person to have that control all over me, nor to give an implification that I'm a liar.
What's funny is that even as I'm walking out the door, people still tend to blame me, calling it a selfish action. But then, who really cares? It's over. They can all suck it, for all I care.
And there quite a few casualties, there was a friendship that's been shattered and a reputation getting slandered.
Just as I had choice to walk away, they have the choice to put their foot down and say "No".
In the end, it's all up to you to get over it or put up with it.
Just letting it all out
I'm an feeling rather dejected right now.
How can half an hour of somebody's time be so hard to ask?It's not like they were working or doing anything important other than sleeping.
How can somebody not see the importance of being on time, of making sure that the half an hour gets maximized because that's all you got for the day?
I guess it's just me making a big deal out of nothing. Or making too much of an effort? Am I the only one who cares?
Or do things really change as time goes by?
Turn of the tide?
Does anybody get annoyed of the "best foot forward tactic" or is it just me?
Honestly, it truely disgusts me. When a man tries to woo you, he'd spend all his time (and some of his money, if not most) on you.For what? To get a really good impression.
Female species who are easily attracted to sweet gestures would easily fall for it, willingly or unwillingly. Hoping against the odds that things will stay the same. The sane and logical part of you says, nope it won't. But the romantic and stupid side says it will.
Anyway, I'm just ranting. I'm not saying that is the situation I'm in right now. But I feel like that's what's happening.
Who knows what exactly it is. All I know is I'm not liking it. at. all.
check out these babies!
I've been "salivating" on these purses. Aren't they pretty? No. They're gorgeous!
I'm trying to save money to get either of these two for my birthday. I'm excited! Hopefully the prices will go down three months from now. :)
I think I'm morphing into a stage girlfriend.
Yesterday, albeit really crazy, was a special day for David. He committed to 6 more years to the military (wow) and he wanted me to be there.
It was an honor and a privilege to witness such ceremony. I've never been to one nor had I even thought I'd be able to see one.
David, if in any case you're reading this, I want to let you know that I'm so proud of you and I'm here to support you, all the way.
And of course, I love you. (If I didn't, I won't be in a room full of Navy guys strangers).
Pit Senior!
It's Sunday, Philippine time. And it's Sinulog once again.
I can't believe it's been a year already since I was on the streets of Cebu for the Sinulog festival. I was dancing, laughing my heart out with my friends. We were on the streets, there was rum and juice, and some chips (for us who don't do alcohol) and a whole lot of laughter.
We were front seat audience of a hit and run too. A motorcycle driver was too drunk to function and hit a lady. The moron didn't realize that it was too crowded for him to pull a hit-and-run, he got mobbed by the by-standers. The journalist in me was (sickeningly) excited for such action. By the time the cops showed up, he was already beaten like no other. Bruised and bloody.
Other than that "minor" incident. I remember it was so much fun. There were fireworks. One of my best friends got so stupid drunk. Well, most of them got drunk.
I remember going home with my brother, who was having too much fun himself, when the sun was about to rise.
Most importantly, I remember the look on my best friend, Fidel's face. Nobody could flaunt a black eyeliner like he did. Not even the Pirates of the Caribbean actors.
I wish I was there again to celebrate with them. I know it will be so much fun.
Ah... good times. Good times.
