A letter to no one

Dear You,

Words cannot express how much disappointed I am with you and with the situation.
As much as I understand how things aren't under your control, I also realize that you at least have a control of not letting me down.

It was all for fun. It was all for good times. It was a time away from all the stress that you and I are both experiencing. It was for us to unwind, eat our emotions and laugh the troubles away.

So when you gave me the idea of a quick escape, I gladly let my guard down.

It wasn't easy. There were second thoughts, there was this too much self control that I do, which is to prevent myself from disappointment.

I've told you that you better be sure. I've asked you if it was just an impulsive offer due to some uncontrollable emotions on your part. You assured me that it was neither and I trusted you.

We once had this conversation, break my trust once and that's all it take to severe trust and friendship.

I do understand how complicated the situation is. Trust me, I mean no harm and believe me when I say that I am truly here for you and that I care about you, maybe more that you do for me.

But I can't be this friend whose emotions gets toyed with every time shit happens with you. Times when you want to feel needed, valued and validated, I don't want to be your "next option". Don't get me wrong, I do value the friendship that we have. But please, don't use me as an escape to your reality.

I am writing this because it is the only release I have. I do mean what I said, I am not going to talk to you beyond necessary.

Thank you for everything.

I truly wish you all the happiness, the true happiness and true love you deserve.

weheartit.com

Of surgery and deadline.

The alarm went off and I knew there's no way I can negotiate with the snooze button. I've hit it once already. I needed to get up and get going. The warm shower was helping wash away my anxiety. I realize it'll be easy and quick for me to get ready, just a
some (and matching) undergarments, yoga pants and a white Fallon Greenwave basketball shirt and I'm good to go. No make up, no jewelry, no contacts - that's what the nurse told me.

Yesterday was the day of my surgery.

They found I found a lump on my left breast, got it all checked at the base clinic, had an ultra sound to make sure it's really a lump and long story short, they need to take it out to make sure it's benign and not damaging in the long run.

So there I was sitting in the lobby. I was reading David Lord Stewie's hilarious tweets. Laughter is something that puts me at ease. That and Stewie's tweets were really obnoxious and funny.

Nurse Cathy called my name. I wanted to run towards the nearest exit and forget about this whole thing. The thought of having a surgery doesn't really scare me. What bothers me is the mere fact that they have to put IV on me. That stupid needle is a pain in the ass. I have such small and not so visible veins. I've been traumatized. 13 years ago, I had the same medical procedure and guess what, I had been poked and pricked so many times, I actually have sympathy for voodoo dolls!

Luckily, Nurse Cathy knows what she's doing. She's been doing this for 33 years, she says. Yeah right, I thought. But she proved me wrong when all it took was one try and she got the IV on my hand! Rockstar, that's what I called her afterwards. She even admitted herself that it's hard to find a vein in my hand and they're so tiny but she managed. It hurt but I'm not complaining.

The doctor came and talked to me prior to the procedure. I remember the nurse injecting something to relax me, and it relaxed me alright! I remember vaguely her wheeling me out of the pre-op room and all I said was, "wheee! roadtrip!". How embarrassing! Haha!

Next thing I know, I was already at the recovery room. I was so sleepy and have never wanted to sleep so bad in my entire life. I told the nurse I want to go home so I can sleep comfortably in my bed. David helped me get dressed since I can't even stand on my own. Maybe that's how it feels to be intoxicated? I'd never know because I have yet to get drunk.

I slept the rest of the day. I woke up later that evening, walked to home office and sat in front of the computer to finish my article. Yes, even through that whole ordeal, I was thinking of my deadline. I need to get it done, after all, I've been procrastinating the entire weekend.

So I am might proud of my article for tomorrow's paper - 02/09/11 . People won't know but I do, and a few of my readers will do too, that article was written on the same day I came out of surgery, light-headed, anesthesia wearing off and all.

If that's not total dedication, then I don't know what.

Up, up, up and it all fell down!

Have you ever felt like you are so happy, soaring with all ecstatic-ness, full of hopeful determination and ready to take things into your own hands... and then somebody pulls the rug off your feet?

That's how I'm feeling right now. Heart broken. Disappointed. Frustrated.

In my own little world of make believe, I want to be a photographer. I want to rock it out there and capture beautiful pictures. I want to be able to tell a story through my lens. I want to share it to the world, the beauty and the warm fuzzy feeling that's embodied in that photo.

In my own little world of make believe, I believe I can do it. I believe that I have enough support system to do it. That somebody's got my back. That whenever I am in a funk or in a freak-out, I-can't-do-this-anymore moment, I can rely on somebody.

In my own little world of make believe, I know that somebody also believes in me, encourages me, supports me and will do anything to help me achieve my dreams.

BUT in reality, I am not even an inch of a photographer I want to be. Yes, I can take photos but I am on a learning process as I go. I take everything I have to learn and absorb it like a sponge. I am excited and have high hopes of making such dream into reality.

But also in reality, I am alone. There I said it. I have no support network. I have people who leave kind comments and give encouragement and I am truly thankful for that. But what I mean with support network are the vital people in my life: family, friends who knows me, those who are close to my heart... I don't have that here.

I am in a strange place. I live in a small town and barely audible with the marketing strategy that I'm slowly doing.. I'm not saying I need a cheering squad, but I need somebody to motivate me, somebody who is going to take this journey of creative growth with me. Somebody who won't hold me back, not just by saying "Do whatever you want". But also by saying, "Yes, I'm willing to help you and support you as you take your baby steps".

Maybe that's too much to ask. Maybe that's too high of an expectation. I don't know. All I know is that's what partnership is for. You're supposed to be there for each other. Uplift each other's spirits. Guide each other's path, not  because you need to be "holding their hand all the way" but because nothing pleases you more than seeing your partner grow (creatively, emotionally or whatever they want to do for themselves).

I've then came to a realization that at this point in my life, I have to set my dreams aside. I'm not giving up, I'm not quitting. I'm realizing that it's not the right time and I'm not at the right place. I am strong enough to acknowledge the fact that I can't do this by myself. I am honest to see what's in front of me and evaluate reality.

In truth, I need to be home. Home with my family, with my friends, with my solid support system. I need all the love and support I can get. It's not fair to place this burden to an unwilling individual. It's not right to set this expectation for somebody who's done things alone, not asking for help and I don't place blame if that person doesn't understand.

Maybe it's time for me to move on.. to stop placing a square peg into a round hole. That way, I can live my little dream from my own world of make believe and turn it into reality without limitations, without hesitations, without feeling like I'm a burden.

All images are from weheartit.com

She's back home

Nini's remains came home today. She's now in a little wooden box carved with intricate designs.

When the vet's office called, I didn't want to go and pick it up. David had to. Because I'm afraid I'm gonna lose it, again.

We've been doing better for the past few days. We still think of her, every single day and miss her. But slowly, the acceptance of her passing is settling in.

I still tweet about it whenever I miss her. But I'm reassured that she's up in heaven playing and being cute around the angels, Brookelynne and my grandparents.

Someday, I know Nini will be waiting for me by the Rainbow bridge. Until then, we have good memories to hold on to.

One sweet morning at the hotel room when we were in San Francisco. Yes, we take all of our dogs to trips with us. Nini has been to San Francisco. ; )

She wanted to stay on the bed with Daddy. They were looking at Tod and Belle which were down by the carpet.

One day at a time...

I admit, as soon as I get off work, I take the a longer route on my way home. I don't want to go home immediately because every time I walk in the front door, I get flashbacks of  what happened that Tuesday. The painful memory comes back and stabs me once again.

One afternoon, I woke up crying because I glanced towards Nini's bed and saw that she'll never be there again. There was one time when I had Tod and Belle in the backyard and I found myself calling Nini's name too, just out of habit.

I'm allowing myself to process the pain now. I'm being brave enough to go home and walk in the door, greet Tod and Belle and get used to not seeing Nini anymore.

I realize that not everybody will understand what I'm going through and that is okay. In fact, it's a good thing if you don't because then it would mean that you haven't experienced a pain like this.

I know people are going to say, "But it's just a dog. It's a pet. I think you're overreacting". I don't expect them to understand. We have our own story, our own life that we live. My life is my family. Here in the US, my family consists of David, Tod, Belle and Kneesaa. They're the ones I come home to every day. They're the ones I share laughter, tears and silly moments with.They have my heart. And I believe that it goes without saying that if you lose a member of your family, your heart is shredded to pieces and broken.

It will take time but it will heal. But then again, there will always be that scar.

image credit: http://weheartit.com

See you later, Kneesaa.

Our little baby girl, Kneesaa left us for heaven last Tuesday morning.

Around 7:20ish I was still at work (I work graveyard shift) when I received a text message from David asking what time I'll be home. I responded through a phone call because 1) he's never really asked what "specific time" I'll be home. 2) He's supposed to be at work, why does it matter? I asked him if he's okay. He said he is but he's not at work. This worried me. I asked if something bad happened, he said he'll tell me when I get home and not to worry about it.

I rushed home as soon as I can and the moment I walked in the house and David asked me to sit, I knew something BAD happened. I straight up asked what the hell is going on and I saw the pained look on his face as tears start to roll down when he told me "Kneesaa died this morning". The statement didn't really sink in right away. All I could say was, "WHAT?" and I looked into the bedroom trying to listen for Nini's playful growl. Then it hit me. "What? She's dead? WHAT? What happened????", I asked. At this point, I was in hysterics.

David told me he didn't really know what happened to her. He got up, started to get ready for work, he let the doggies go out the backyard for their morning routine (drink, potty, run around) and as soon as he was dressed for work, he went back and let them in the house. Then he noticed Nini wasn't in her kennel so he went back and as he opened the back door, he found Nini laying on our back porch unresponsive. She was barely breathing.

David rushed her to the vet. When I say rush, I mean like 100mph-driving rush. Our lil Nini didn't even make it to the vet. They told David that she was already gone and there was nothing they can do. David said he could barely get up to his feet when they broke the news.

I was in disbelief after hearing the story. I asked my husband if she was in pain or something was wrong with her that morning and he said no. She was still playing with our cat, Reese. Nothing out of the ordinary.

We went back to the vet where Nini was so I can say good bye to her. On our way there, tears kept rolling. I told David I don't think I can see her that way. But I summoned all my courage and did it.

The vet tech came in with Nini wrapped in a towel embroidered with butterflies. I thought to myself, that is fitting for our little Panini. She really looked peaceful. Her eyes weren't all the way shut and the tech said that's normal. They also said they don't know the cause of death. She didn't have any bite marks and no signs of being poisoned.

As soon as the vet gave us our alone time with Nini, I broke down. I lost it. I bawled my eyes out and hugged her. I kept telling her to wake up and kept telling her that I love her. David did the same and it was heartbreaking seeing my husband so devastated. I know he love Nini. He fondly called her his "wittle giwl".

We probably spent half an hour in that little exam room with Nini. We even took photos. I regretted not taking enough photos of her. I had quite a few on my phone but still, I wanted more. And more than anything else, I want her back. I want her spunky, feisty, funny, vocal, cute self back. But I know it's not happening.

David and I decided to have her cremated. Why? So that we can take her with us. We move a lot and we don't like the thought of leaving her here in Nevada.

So, there goes the story. Every bit of it. It's painful to keep answering people on my Facebook over and over again about what happened so I decided to write it all here.

It's been only two days since she left us and the pain is still fresh. It hurts a lot.

I know we still have Belle and Tod and I love those two very much, but there's that void. There's an empty space where Nini used to be. There's a silence when there used to be her playful growl filling the air. There's no more tugging on the seams of my jeans as I get ready for work. There's no more cutesy hugs from her. There's no more lil munchkin who follows me around, even when I go to the bathroom or when I take a shower. There's no more her, no more Kneesaa.

Knowing and accepting that hurts like a motha. I miss her.

David and I are going through the grieving process. We know it's out of our control and we know she's in a better place. We just wished she didn't have to leave us so soon and so sudden.

To my dear Kneesaa,

Mommy and Daddy loveyou very much. We miss you a lot. We miss your playful nature. We miss your silly noises. Tod and Belle miss you too. We hope you're happy up there with Brookelynne. We'll see you someday. You'll be missed forever.

Stay happy, baby girl.

Sweetest dreams, my little Nini.

Yep, I'm alive!

It's been a while and I know I keep saying that. So much going on with my life that I feel like I'm gonna need bullets. No, not the fatal kind, just the list kind. ^_^

• I've decided to chase my dream as a photographer! For real. It took a while for me to realize that it's what I really want to do. I've dabbled into some crafty phase, I mean I'm still crafty and all, but I was thinking of doing stuff on Etsy. Then I realized that I make things for myself and I like to keep it that way. Although I keep praying that somehow I'd find my calling. I keep getting stuff from my "Notes from the Universe" saying that I'm close to realizing my dreams. I'm going, "what dreams? I don't even know what I want!". And all of a sudden, it was like an epiphany. I have a DSLR and two sets of lens that have been sitting in my closet collecting dust. I've given photography a rest for months because I felt unmotivated. Well, I thought, I know I can do that. I know that it'd come to me naturally and I know that once I get myself back on track, I'd be having a real good time with it. So I called my best friend and ask her if she can model for some test shots. She said yes and the rest is history.  ^_~

• We moved, again! This is our 2nd move for this year and it's only August! Well, we had to and the bank offered us a sweet deal, we couldn't resist. Now, the unpacking and putting things away is driving me crazy. Our house is a MESS. I'm not even thinking of taking a photo because it's THAT embarrassing!

• Allergies will be the death of me. Lately, I've been a mess! It started with my nose being like a waterfall one second and then would suffocate me the next. It's like a bi-polar syndrome, extreme dripping and next thing you know, it's all plugged and I have to breathe through my mouth! Now, my eyes have been SO ITCHY that I'm tempted to put drops of vinegar in them! I was *thisclose* to considering it but I still have a bit of sanity to think twice. Then here comes asthma! Hacking and wheezing and not being able to breathe.

That's it for now. I'm hoping I survive this health issues I'm dealing with right now. It's not easy. =(

why hello there, blog!

whew! it's been a while. where do I start? So much has happened? Nothing significant, except for our trip to Wisconsin which was so much fun!

here's our souvenir photo from Little Norway, WI.


It was so much fun meeting David's family. More importantly, I've seen a different side of him that makes me love him more. :)

Day One

For the 30-Day Shred that I have long been procrastinating to do.

Finally, we did it today. Yes, we. David has to do it, as well. I think I can pull through the work out better if he's right beside me struggling and panting, sweating buckets, knowing that I'm not alone and I need a silent encouragement.

So the 20 minutes was short. But torture.

It wasn't bad, like really really bad. But it was pretty much like death as well.

I keep flipping Jillian off. I mean, damn those abs, those muscles, those legs.

I am going to try my hardest to do this as often as I can. Daily, if must be.

I really really need to lose weight so I'm going to try to stick to this.

So help me, God.

so what really happened...

this post is a continuation or a conclusion of my previous post.

I found a box with some of his past in it (letters and rings). One ring had bothered me the most. It was a beautiful. Inside in an old black velvet dusty box was an engagement ring.

What crossed my mind was exactly this, "What the fuck is this engagement ring doing here? Why is he keeping his ex's engagement ring here? In our house? WHY?".

Those were the screaming thoughts in my head. Fuming mad thoughts.

While all this was happening, he was at work. We were exchanging texts. Him, trying to explain and calm me down. Me, trying to break up with him and things one might say in anger.

He got home late at night. We had the talk.

He said that he forgot all about those letters. He wasn't aware it was still there. And he tossed ALL of it out. Good.

And he proceeded to tell me that the engagement ring hasn't been given to anybody. Nobody had deserved it. No ex has seen it and certainly, have had it.

You know what else sucks? He told me he was planning to give it to me on our trip to the Philippines next year. But I blew it. And um, now I just have to wait for the surprise.

The thing is, I love surprises. BUT I absolutely hate it when somebody tells me they have a surprise for me. It drives me crazy. Which brings to the other thing that I hate, waiting. I absolutely have no patience for surprises.

But I guess, I'll just have to wait.

Bitch.

Agenda:

• 8:00am-12:00pm - Work
• 12:00pm-1:00pm - Cook, eat lunch and clean up the kitchen
• 1:00-2:00pm - Laundry
• 2:00pm-3:00pm - Take a sweet sweet nap.
• 3:00-4:00pm - Laundry, again
• 4:00pm - 5:00pm - Clean the office/guest room
• Maybe I'll do all of these tomorrow? No?
• Oh yeah, stop procrastinating, it's ridiculous already!

Oh, and the 30-day Shred DVD came in the mail from Amazon.com yesterday. I can't wait to try it. I've read this bitch can your butt to fitness good reviews, meaning it's a total torture and I'm hoping this will be a routine for me and David. One that we can stick to.

I really need to lose about 30lbs! I want to get back to my pre-US immigration weight.

I'm so out of shape, good luck to me.

on things that have been running on my mind...

• Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning - I want a clutter-free house. Seriously. I didn't think it would be too hard to ask.
• Laundry - it seems endless.
  
• Home Decor - I want this apartment to be full of personality (our personality). I have been looking for inspiration and I'm hoping it's not going to be expensive and David goes along with it.
  
• Crafts - I already have too many pending craft projects.
  
• Blog List - for some reason, my blog roll doesn't allow me to add my fave blog list. I guess I have to do it manually.
• Time - I want a lot of time to do all of these...
  

it's creeping up, slowly...

Depression. Self Pity. That's what it is.

It's like this relentless feeling that would not stop. I am fighting it. I really am. But sometimes, it gets the best of me.

Like tonight.

I was fine, a little bit stressed, but nothing too bad. I've been browsing my friends' page over at Friendster and MySpace, checking out photos and getting updates of how their life has been. It's nothing stalkerish, that's what a social networking site is for, right?

Anyhow, I saw two friend's pages. They've just given birth. Months ago. And bam! They're back to their pre-pregnancy weight.

I cannot also deny that Summer's almost here and it's been quite a Summer in the Philippines already. People in their swimsuit. Damn, they look so good!

Then, that's when this dark unapologetical self pity consumes me. Here I am, no kids and I'm FAT.

For some reason, that word just makes me cringe and cry. After being called fat numerous times, I finally broke down. I cried on David's shoulders, pouring out what I've been holding back.

I thank God for giving me a great boyfriend. He was very supportive, he calmed me down and he made me feel better. I know that he didn't just say things to "make me feel better", I can feel his honesty and his sincerity.

He reminded me that he's the only one that matters. What other people say doesn't and shouldn't mean anything.

I know he is right. I should start believing him and keeping that in mind.

The goodness in the heart is what matters anyway... That and I've got somebody who really loves me, fats and all.

things to do:

• Organize the walk in closet. I already have 3 shirts in the donation box, that's a sign of progress, right?
• Toss out shoes that gives me torture I don't wear.
• Take out more boxes to the garbage can. The thing is, our trash day here is Wednesday. It feels like forever!
• Tackle the mess pile laundry that I have to do in the guest bedroom.
• Organize my desk upstairs.
• Stop procrastinating!
  

Who would have thought?

For the first time in my life, I detest shopping for clothes for myself. You heard that right. I’m loathing the thought of it.

Why? Because this time, I REALLY NEED to shop. See, I have been stuffing my face with so much food and so much junk, not to mention I went back to drinking soda that I might as well have a Pepsi IV. So it would not be much of a surprise that I gained weight. A lot.

Yesterday morning was the rude awakening, to the truest sense of the word.

I tried every bottoms I have in my closet. Nothing fits. My work capris, heck, I’d be lucky if I can zip it up. My black slacks that I got from JC Penney not so long ago (and I haven’t worn them yet!), I can’t even button it. Well, I can button it but you’d never at look muffins the same way again.

See my dilemma? I was depressed all day yesterday. I felt like I’m a huge hippo sitting on the front desk. That would be comical if it was some other day, but yesterday, I just want to break down and cry.

The boyfriend doesn’t have any problem with my weight. He keeps on refuting my statement every time I tell him that I’m fat. He says, I may be pudgy but not fat. Being of an awesome boyfriend that he is, he bought a treadmill. That sucker is sitting in our guest bedroom collecting dust because I cannot work out in such a cluttered room. (We haven’t unpacked all of our stuff yet.)

I know I can work out and lose it. But I cannot keep wearing the same skirt or pants (those few that fit and just create an “acceptable” muffin top) week by week until I drop down two sizes. Hell. No.

So the only solution is to get me some new work clothes with a bigger size.

Shit.

So, I've been M.I.A. for quite a while...

Blogger.com has been "blocked" at work by those stupid blogging-pooper people corporate. Not only that, Wordpress and Typepad too.

My old blog site is the only site I can access. That's where I've been blogging. Oh goodness, it's my only therapy, blogging. There is no way I'm giving up on it.


So I will be cross posting.

Maintaining two blog is going to be an bitch, but hey, a blogger has gotta do what she has to do.

Thank goodness she didn't see my butt cheeks blush!

People say the most awkward things sometimes...

David and I were at the Wal-Mart parking lot, trying to fit the dining set and a bookcase into the back of my car, when a girl suddenly said, "Hey".

I looked at her and she was looking at me and said, "I like your butt".

I was like, "umm.. thanks?". Insert awkward smile here.

She shrugged, "I'm sorry but I just like it". The boyfriend was shaking his head.

Again, I gave her my awkward smile and went back to what I was doing.

Well, I'd to take it as a compliment despite the weirdness and the awkwardness of it all.

Let the photos do the talking...

April 21, my birthday. I got flowers from my co-workers, they were so sweet to have thought of me on my day. David gave me a Coach purse (wheee!). I got a kiss, of course.Huge bouquet of flowers (roses and calla lilies) were delivered at work from my man. :)

We had dinner at Red Lobster. Food was good. My company, was even better. :)

We went to Vegas over the weekend. 6-hour-and-a-half-trip. Tiresome but worth it. We watched Wayne Brady's show. It was well worth it. We walked down the strip and shopped a lot.

Some of the hotels found on the Las Vegas Boulevard.

My Vegas Loot! Sandals from Sketchers. A mask from The Venetian hotel. and a Coach wallet to match the Coach purse that David gave me.

And yes, my very first Louis Vuitton(s). Montroguel PM (David got this for me) and the Sarah Wallet (I got this for myself).

Wooooooooooooot! I feel so blessed. :)

Also, thank you for the birthday wishes! :)

Today, somebody turns...

True that!

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive shit"

✌