A letter to no one

Dear You,

Words cannot express how much disappointed I am with you and with the situation.
As much as I understand how things aren't under your control, I also realize that you at least have a control of not letting me down.

It was all for fun. It was all for good times. It was a time away from all the stress that you and I are both experiencing. It was for us to unwind, eat our emotions and laugh the troubles away.

So when you gave me the idea of a quick escape, I gladly let my guard down.

It wasn't easy. There were second thoughts, there was this too much self control that I do, which is to prevent myself from disappointment.

I've told you that you better be sure. I've asked you if it was just an impulsive offer due to some uncontrollable emotions on your part. You assured me that it was neither and I trusted you.

We once had this conversation, break my trust once and that's all it take to severe trust and friendship.

I do understand how complicated the situation is. Trust me, I mean no harm and believe me when I say that I am truly here for you and that I care about you, maybe more that you do for me.

But I can't be this friend whose emotions gets toyed with every time shit happens with you. Times when you want to feel needed, valued and validated, I don't want to be your "next option". Don't get me wrong, I do value the friendship that we have. But please, don't use me as an escape to your reality.

I am writing this because it is the only release I have. I do mean what I said, I am not going to talk to you beyond necessary.

Thank you for everything.

I truly wish you all the happiness, the true happiness and true love you deserve.

weheartit.com

Of surgery and deadline.

The alarm went off and I knew there's no way I can negotiate with the snooze button. I've hit it once already. I needed to get up and get going. The warm shower was helping wash away my anxiety. I realize it'll be easy and quick for me to get ready, just a
some (and matching) undergarments, yoga pants and a white Fallon Greenwave basketball shirt and I'm good to go. No make up, no jewelry, no contacts - that's what the nurse told me.

Yesterday was the day of my surgery.

They found I found a lump on my left breast, got it all checked at the base clinic, had an ultra sound to make sure it's really a lump and long story short, they need to take it out to make sure it's benign and not damaging in the long run.

So there I was sitting in the lobby. I was reading David Lord Stewie's hilarious tweets. Laughter is something that puts me at ease. That and Stewie's tweets were really obnoxious and funny.

Nurse Cathy called my name. I wanted to run towards the nearest exit and forget about this whole thing. The thought of having a surgery doesn't really scare me. What bothers me is the mere fact that they have to put IV on me. That stupid needle is a pain in the ass. I have such small and not so visible veins. I've been traumatized. 13 years ago, I had the same medical procedure and guess what, I had been poked and pricked so many times, I actually have sympathy for voodoo dolls!

Luckily, Nurse Cathy knows what she's doing. She's been doing this for 33 years, she says. Yeah right, I thought. But she proved me wrong when all it took was one try and she got the IV on my hand! Rockstar, that's what I called her afterwards. She even admitted herself that it's hard to find a vein in my hand and they're so tiny but she managed. It hurt but I'm not complaining.

The doctor came and talked to me prior to the procedure. I remember the nurse injecting something to relax me, and it relaxed me alright! I remember vaguely her wheeling me out of the pre-op room and all I said was, "wheee! roadtrip!". How embarrassing! Haha!

Next thing I know, I was already at the recovery room. I was so sleepy and have never wanted to sleep so bad in my entire life. I told the nurse I want to go home so I can sleep comfortably in my bed. David helped me get dressed since I can't even stand on my own. Maybe that's how it feels to be intoxicated? I'd never know because I have yet to get drunk.

I slept the rest of the day. I woke up later that evening, walked to home office and sat in front of the computer to finish my article. Yes, even through that whole ordeal, I was thinking of my deadline. I need to get it done, after all, I've been procrastinating the entire weekend.

So I am might proud of my article for tomorrow's paper - 02/09/11 . People won't know but I do, and a few of my readers will do too, that article was written on the same day I came out of surgery, light-headed, anesthesia wearing off and all.

If that's not total dedication, then I don't know what.

Here's me hoping..

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the editor of the local newspaper in town, the Lahontan Valley News. I'm going in for a freelance correspondent position. A friend of mine referred me to the editor.

This isn't my first time meeting him nor it's my first attempt to get my foot in the door at the newspaper. But it never really bothered me. I've never expected to get in so easily, even as a correspondent.

It's not that my self confidence is low or not that I don't care. It's more of I don't want to disappoint myself. Journalism is what I went to college for. College felt like eons ago. It's been a while and I am quite rusty but I am up for the challenge. Yet I am still longing to write. I'm still longing for the glory of the "by line". I just want to write stories. Hard news, in fact.

So tomorrow, at 4pm, I will know if the Universe will grant me this secret longing of mine, an opportunity to write again.

Hello 2 0 1 1 !

I'm back to blogging. Again. I've probably typed that same line every time I disappear from the blogosphere. (Is there such term?) Well, if there wasn't, now there's one.

So much things has happened the past few months, where do I even begin?

Ah, my trip back home: Philippines.

It was short and bittersweet. I could not believe that I was only there for 3 weeks. Better than nothing at all, right? I had the best time of my life when I went home. I spent loads of time with my family and friends. I wish I could say I ate lots of food but I got sick during the first week that I opted to eating soup instead of all the lobster tail, calamari rings and fresh seafood that were in front of me. I've never been so mad at myself for having a sore throat, other than that exact moment!

We visited both of my parents' hometown and get to see my family. So much fun!

Needless to say, that vacation was so much fun. Me and my family get to be together again. :)

Now, I'm back to reality. Back to working. Back to mundane routines. At least I get loads of kisses from my little furry lovelies! :)

I usually don't do resolutions, I think they're a waste of time. but I am making a promise to myself that I am going back to blogging more regularly. I'm going to make an effort to write down my thoughts, I know that when I first got here in the US, my blog was my outlet. It helped me with preserving my sanity, and really, I should just write. Writing helps me vent out this pent up emotions.

So here's to 2011 and more blogging!

images by wehearit.com

Cheers to my few readers!!!