Day One

For the 30-Day Shred that I have long been procrastinating to do.

Finally, we did it today. Yes, we. David has to do it, as well. I think I can pull through the work out better if he's right beside me struggling and panting, sweating buckets, knowing that I'm not alone and I need a silent encouragement.

So the 20 minutes was short. But torture.

It wasn't bad, like really really bad. But it was pretty much like death as well.

I keep flipping Jillian off. I mean, damn those abs, those muscles, those legs.

I am going to try my hardest to do this as often as I can. Daily, if must be.

I really really need to lose weight so I'm going to try to stick to this.

So help me, God.

so what really happened...

this post is a continuation or a conclusion of my previous post.

I found a box with some of his past in it (letters and rings). One ring had bothered me the most. It was a beautiful. Inside in an old black velvet dusty box was an engagement ring.

What crossed my mind was exactly this, "What the fuck is this engagement ring doing here? Why is he keeping his ex's engagement ring here? In our house? WHY?".

Those were the screaming thoughts in my head. Fuming mad thoughts.

While all this was happening, he was at work. We were exchanging texts. Him, trying to explain and calm me down. Me, trying to break up with him and things one might say in anger.

He got home late at night. We had the talk.

He said that he forgot all about those letters. He wasn't aware it was still there. And he tossed ALL of it out. Good.

And he proceeded to tell me that the engagement ring hasn't been given to anybody. Nobody had deserved it. No ex has seen it and certainly, have had it.

You know what else sucks? He told me he was planning to give it to me on our trip to the Philippines next year. But I blew it. And um, now I just have to wait for the surprise.

The thing is, I love surprises. BUT I absolutely hate it when somebody tells me they have a surprise for me. It drives me crazy. Which brings to the other thing that I hate, waiting. I absolutely have no patience for surprises.

But I guess, I'll just have to wait.

Bitch.

pouring it all out...

Hi, my name is April. I'm 25 years of age and a divorcee.

I've had my heart broken a lot of times and it's not fun. I try my best to snap out of it and move on. People always say, "What's the use of crying?". But I can't help but cry. I wear my heart on my sleeve and that's just how it's going to be.

I tend to be vulnerable. Maybe because most of the time, I chose to keep quiet. I chose to go on my own and not mind people's mean remarks. And I know with this choice, I'm treated like a door mat.

People sometimes call me timid, weak and somebody "you can chew and spit out". I just let them be. Because I don't want to prove myself to anybody, what for?

Today, I was just going to clean the house while I'm alone and I have the time.

What I didn't expect was to uncover some things from the past. Somebody's past. I don't know what to make of it. Was it a way of clinging to a piece of the past? Or was it just "accidentally" forgotten?

There is one thing I know of myself. I don't like omission of facts. Yes, I am fully aware that we all have past. But once both of you have talked about leaving it all behind, then that means leaving ALL of it behind.

I can't bear to see a remnant of someone's past.

More importantly, I can't take it all in that what I am is a filler of what somebody couldn't have. I could never fill in those shoes. Nor stand in for those shadow. I will not be able to replace the-once-was-the-leading-lady of the story. I could never fit in the mold. That was her. This is me.

So right now, I am so perplexed. My heart is broken and I am a beautiful mess.

I know, this too shall pass. It hurts like a bitch. But I've been through the worst.

I realize that there is no use in crying, but for now, this is the best I could do.