it's creeping up, slowly...

Depression. Self Pity. That's what it is.

It's like this relentless feeling that would not stop. I am fighting it. I really am. But sometimes, it gets the best of me.

Like tonight.

I was fine, a little bit stressed, but nothing too bad. I've been browsing my friends' page over at Friendster and MySpace, checking out photos and getting updates of how their life has been. It's nothing stalkerish, that's what a social networking site is for, right?

Anyhow, I saw two friend's pages. They've just given birth. Months ago. And bam! They're back to their pre-pregnancy weight.

I cannot also deny that Summer's almost here and it's been quite a Summer in the Philippines already. People in their swimsuit. Damn, they look so good!

Then, that's when this dark unapologetical self pity consumes me. Here I am, no kids and I'm FAT.

For some reason, that word just makes me cringe and cry. After being called fat numerous times, I finally broke down. I cried on David's shoulders, pouring out what I've been holding back.

I thank God for giving me a great boyfriend. He was very supportive, he calmed me down and he made me feel better. I know that he didn't just say things to "make me feel better", I can feel his honesty and his sincerity.

He reminded me that he's the only one that matters. What other people say doesn't and shouldn't mean anything.

I know he is right. I should start believing him and keeping that in mind.

The goodness in the heart is what matters anyway... That and I've got somebody who really loves me, fats and all.

things to do:

• Organize the walk in closet. I already have 3 shirts in the donation box, that's a sign of progress, right?
• Toss out shoes that gives me torture I don't wear.
• Take out more boxes to the garbage can. The thing is, our trash day here is Wednesday. It feels like forever!
• Tackle the mess pile laundry that I have to do in the guest bedroom.
• Organize my desk upstairs.
• Stop procrastinating!
  

Who would have thought?

For the first time in my life, I detest shopping for clothes for myself. You heard that right. I’m loathing the thought of it.

Why? Because this time, I REALLY NEED to shop. See, I have been stuffing my face with so much food and so much junk, not to mention I went back to drinking soda that I might as well have a Pepsi IV. So it would not be much of a surprise that I gained weight. A lot.

Yesterday morning was the rude awakening, to the truest sense of the word.

I tried every bottoms I have in my closet. Nothing fits. My work capris, heck, I’d be lucky if I can zip it up. My black slacks that I got from JC Penney not so long ago (and I haven’t worn them yet!), I can’t even button it. Well, I can button it but you’d never at look muffins the same way again.

See my dilemma? I was depressed all day yesterday. I felt like I’m a huge hippo sitting on the front desk. That would be comical if it was some other day, but yesterday, I just want to break down and cry.

The boyfriend doesn’t have any problem with my weight. He keeps on refuting my statement every time I tell him that I’m fat. He says, I may be pudgy but not fat. Being of an awesome boyfriend that he is, he bought a treadmill. That sucker is sitting in our guest bedroom collecting dust because I cannot work out in such a cluttered room. (We haven’t unpacked all of our stuff yet.)

I know I can work out and lose it. But I cannot keep wearing the same skirt or pants (those few that fit and just create an “acceptable” muffin top) week by week until I drop down two sizes. Hell. No.

So the only solution is to get me some new work clothes with a bigger size.

Shit.

So, I've been M.I.A. for quite a while...

Blogger.com has been "blocked" at work by those stupid blogging-pooper people corporate. Not only that, Wordpress and Typepad too.

My old blog site is the only site I can access. That's where I've been blogging. Oh goodness, it's my only therapy, blogging. There is no way I'm giving up on it.


So I will be cross posting.

Maintaining two blog is going to be an bitch, but hey, a blogger has gotta do what she has to do.

Random thoughts

• I hate moving with passion. I told David we are not moving for a year. I don't care if Obama wants to evict us.
• Well, unless Edward wants me to move in at Forks with him, I might give that a thought. ;)
• Tod, our lil pup is out of control. He thinks it's all fun and games and he doesn't care how tiny he is and the scary thought of getting stepped on isn't on top of his priorities.
• The house is a mess.
• I can't wait for this mess to be over with. One more week to go... We're giving up this place and finally just settling in at the townhouse.
• I'm excited though... It's about 3 blocks from where I work and I can walk to and from work. It's a new work out for me. Wooot!
  

Thank goodness she didn't see my butt cheeks blush!

People say the most awkward things sometimes...

David and I were at the Wal-Mart parking lot, trying to fit the dining set and a bookcase into the back of my car, when a girl suddenly said, "Hey".

I looked at her and she was looking at me and said, "I like your butt".

I was like, "umm.. thanks?". Insert awkward smile here.

She shrugged, "I'm sorry but I just like it". The boyfriend was shaking his head.

Again, I gave her my awkward smile and went back to what I was doing.

Well, I'd to take it as a compliment despite the weirdness and the awkwardness of it all.

Let the photos do the talking...

April 21, my birthday. I got flowers from my co-workers, they were so sweet to have thought of me on my day. David gave me a Coach purse (wheee!). I got a kiss, of course.Huge bouquet of flowers (roses and calla lilies) were delivered at work from my man. :)

We had dinner at Red Lobster. Food was good. My company, was even better. :)

We went to Vegas over the weekend. 6-hour-and-a-half-trip. Tiresome but worth it. We watched Wayne Brady's show. It was well worth it. We walked down the strip and shopped a lot.

Some of the hotels found on the Las Vegas Boulevard.

My Vegas Loot! Sandals from Sketchers. A mask from The Venetian hotel. and a Coach wallet to match the Coach purse that David gave me.

And yes, my very first Louis Vuitton(s). Montroguel PM (David got this for me) and the Sarah Wallet (I got this for myself).

Wooooooooooooot! I feel so blessed. :)

Also, thank you for the birthday wishes! :)