Up, up, up and it all fell down!

Have you ever felt like you are so happy, soaring with all ecstatic-ness, full of hopeful determination and ready to take things into your own hands... and then somebody pulls the rug off your feet?

That's how I'm feeling right now. Heart broken. Disappointed. Frustrated.

In my own little world of make believe, I want to be a photographer. I want to rock it out there and capture beautiful pictures. I want to be able to tell a story through my lens. I want to share it to the world, the beauty and the warm fuzzy feeling that's embodied in that photo.

In my own little world of make believe, I believe I can do it. I believe that I have enough support system to do it. That somebody's got my back. That whenever I am in a funk or in a freak-out, I-can't-do-this-anymore moment, I can rely on somebody.

In my own little world of make believe, I know that somebody also believes in me, encourages me, supports me and will do anything to help me achieve my dreams.

BUT in reality, I am not even an inch of a photographer I want to be. Yes, I can take photos but I am on a learning process as I go. I take everything I have to learn and absorb it like a sponge. I am excited and have high hopes of making such dream into reality.

But also in reality, I am alone. There I said it. I have no support network. I have people who leave kind comments and give encouragement and I am truly thankful for that. But what I mean with support network are the vital people in my life: family, friends who knows me, those who are close to my heart... I don't have that here.

I am in a strange place. I live in a small town and barely audible with the marketing strategy that I'm slowly doing.. I'm not saying I need a cheering squad, but I need somebody to motivate me, somebody who is going to take this journey of creative growth with me. Somebody who won't hold me back, not just by saying "Do whatever you want". But also by saying, "Yes, I'm willing to help you and support you as you take your baby steps".

Maybe that's too much to ask. Maybe that's too high of an expectation. I don't know. All I know is that's what partnership is for. You're supposed to be there for each other. Uplift each other's spirits. Guide each other's path, not  because you need to be "holding their hand all the way" but because nothing pleases you more than seeing your partner grow (creatively, emotionally or whatever they want to do for themselves).

I've then came to a realization that at this point in my life, I have to set my dreams aside. I'm not giving up, I'm not quitting. I'm realizing that it's not the right time and I'm not at the right place. I am strong enough to acknowledge the fact that I can't do this by myself. I am honest to see what's in front of me and evaluate reality.

In truth, I need to be home. Home with my family, with my friends, with my solid support system. I need all the love and support I can get. It's not fair to place this burden to an unwilling individual. It's not right to set this expectation for somebody who's done things alone, not asking for help and I don't place blame if that person doesn't understand.

Maybe it's time for me to move on.. to stop placing a square peg into a round hole. That way, I can live my little dream from my own world of make believe and turn it into reality without limitations, without hesitations, without feeling like I'm a burden.

All images are from weheartit.com

She's back home

Nini's remains came home today. She's now in a little wooden box carved with intricate designs.

When the vet's office called, I didn't want to go and pick it up. David had to. Because I'm afraid I'm gonna lose it, again.

We've been doing better for the past few days. We still think of her, every single day and miss her. But slowly, the acceptance of her passing is settling in.

I still tweet about it whenever I miss her. But I'm reassured that she's up in heaven playing and being cute around the angels, Brookelynne and my grandparents.

Someday, I know Nini will be waiting for me by the Rainbow bridge. Until then, we have good memories to hold on to.

One sweet morning at the hotel room when we were in San Francisco. Yes, we take all of our dogs to trips with us. Nini has been to San Francisco. ; )

She wanted to stay on the bed with Daddy. They were looking at Tod and Belle which were down by the carpet.

One day at a time...

I admit, as soon as I get off work, I take the a longer route on my way home. I don't want to go home immediately because every time I walk in the front door, I get flashbacks of  what happened that Tuesday. The painful memory comes back and stabs me once again.

One afternoon, I woke up crying because I glanced towards Nini's bed and saw that she'll never be there again. There was one time when I had Tod and Belle in the backyard and I found myself calling Nini's name too, just out of habit.

I'm allowing myself to process the pain now. I'm being brave enough to go home and walk in the door, greet Tod and Belle and get used to not seeing Nini anymore.

I realize that not everybody will understand what I'm going through and that is okay. In fact, it's a good thing if you don't because then it would mean that you haven't experienced a pain like this.

I know people are going to say, "But it's just a dog. It's a pet. I think you're overreacting". I don't expect them to understand. We have our own story, our own life that we live. My life is my family. Here in the US, my family consists of David, Tod, Belle and Kneesaa. They're the ones I come home to every day. They're the ones I share laughter, tears and silly moments with.They have my heart. And I believe that it goes without saying that if you lose a member of your family, your heart is shredded to pieces and broken.

It will take time but it will heal. But then again, there will always be that scar.

image credit: http://weheartit.com

See you later, Kneesaa.

Our little baby girl, Kneesaa left us for heaven last Tuesday morning.

Around 7:20ish I was still at work (I work graveyard shift) when I received a text message from David asking what time I'll be home. I responded through a phone call because 1) he's never really asked what "specific time" I'll be home. 2) He's supposed to be at work, why does it matter? I asked him if he's okay. He said he is but he's not at work. This worried me. I asked if something bad happened, he said he'll tell me when I get home and not to worry about it.

I rushed home as soon as I can and the moment I walked in the house and David asked me to sit, I knew something BAD happened. I straight up asked what the hell is going on and I saw the pained look on his face as tears start to roll down when he told me "Kneesaa died this morning". The statement didn't really sink in right away. All I could say was, "WHAT?" and I looked into the bedroom trying to listen for Nini's playful growl. Then it hit me. "What? She's dead? WHAT? What happened????", I asked. At this point, I was in hysterics.

David told me he didn't really know what happened to her. He got up, started to get ready for work, he let the doggies go out the backyard for their morning routine (drink, potty, run around) and as soon as he was dressed for work, he went back and let them in the house. Then he noticed Nini wasn't in her kennel so he went back and as he opened the back door, he found Nini laying on our back porch unresponsive. She was barely breathing.

David rushed her to the vet. When I say rush, I mean like 100mph-driving rush. Our lil Nini didn't even make it to the vet. They told David that she was already gone and there was nothing they can do. David said he could barely get up to his feet when they broke the news.

I was in disbelief after hearing the story. I asked my husband if she was in pain or something was wrong with her that morning and he said no. She was still playing with our cat, Reese. Nothing out of the ordinary.

We went back to the vet where Nini was so I can say good bye to her. On our way there, tears kept rolling. I told David I don't think I can see her that way. But I summoned all my courage and did it.

The vet tech came in with Nini wrapped in a towel embroidered with butterflies. I thought to myself, that is fitting for our little Panini. She really looked peaceful. Her eyes weren't all the way shut and the tech said that's normal. They also said they don't know the cause of death. She didn't have any bite marks and no signs of being poisoned.

As soon as the vet gave us our alone time with Nini, I broke down. I lost it. I bawled my eyes out and hugged her. I kept telling her to wake up and kept telling her that I love her. David did the same and it was heartbreaking seeing my husband so devastated. I know he love Nini. He fondly called her his "wittle giwl".

We probably spent half an hour in that little exam room with Nini. We even took photos. I regretted not taking enough photos of her. I had quite a few on my phone but still, I wanted more. And more than anything else, I want her back. I want her spunky, feisty, funny, vocal, cute self back. But I know it's not happening.

David and I decided to have her cremated. Why? So that we can take her with us. We move a lot and we don't like the thought of leaving her here in Nevada.

So, there goes the story. Every bit of it. It's painful to keep answering people on my Facebook over and over again about what happened so I decided to write it all here.

It's been only two days since she left us and the pain is still fresh. It hurts a lot.

I know we still have Belle and Tod and I love those two very much, but there's that void. There's an empty space where Nini used to be. There's a silence when there used to be her playful growl filling the air. There's no more tugging on the seams of my jeans as I get ready for work. There's no more cutesy hugs from her. There's no more lil munchkin who follows me around, even when I go to the bathroom or when I take a shower. There's no more her, no more Kneesaa.

Knowing and accepting that hurts like a motha. I miss her.

David and I are going through the grieving process. We know it's out of our control and we know she's in a better place. We just wished she didn't have to leave us so soon and so sudden.

To my dear Kneesaa,

Mommy and Daddy loveyou very much. We miss you a lot. We miss your playful nature. We miss your silly noises. Tod and Belle miss you too. We hope you're happy up there with Brookelynne. We'll see you someday. You'll be missed forever.

Stay happy, baby girl.

Sweetest dreams, my little Nini.

AprilRichardsonPhotography dot net

I wish I was kidding when I say I spent 6 hours, 6 bloody hours, editing my website! I kept undoing, redoing, accidentally deleting things!

Well, I'm happy with the result, for now. :)

Head over there and lemme know what you think! ; )

click on the screen shot, it's magic! ;)

Yep, I'm alive!

It's been a while and I know I keep saying that. So much going on with my life that I feel like I'm gonna need bullets. No, not the fatal kind, just the list kind. ^_^

• I've decided to chase my dream as a photographer! For real. It took a while for me to realize that it's what I really want to do. I've dabbled into some crafty phase, I mean I'm still crafty and all, but I was thinking of doing stuff on Etsy. Then I realized that I make things for myself and I like to keep it that way. Although I keep praying that somehow I'd find my calling. I keep getting stuff from my "Notes from the Universe" saying that I'm close to realizing my dreams. I'm going, "what dreams? I don't even know what I want!". And all of a sudden, it was like an epiphany. I have a DSLR and two sets of lens that have been sitting in my closet collecting dust. I've given photography a rest for months because I felt unmotivated. Well, I thought, I know I can do that. I know that it'd come to me naturally and I know that once I get myself back on track, I'd be having a real good time with it. So I called my best friend and ask her if she can model for some test shots. She said yes and the rest is history.  ^_~

• We moved, again! This is our 2nd move for this year and it's only August! Well, we had to and the bank offered us a sweet deal, we couldn't resist. Now, the unpacking and putting things away is driving me crazy. Our house is a MESS. I'm not even thinking of taking a photo because it's THAT embarrassing!

• Allergies will be the death of me. Lately, I've been a mess! It started with my nose being like a waterfall one second and then would suffocate me the next. It's like a bi-polar syndrome, extreme dripping and next thing you know, it's all plugged and I have to breathe through my mouth! Now, my eyes have been SO ITCHY that I'm tempted to put drops of vinegar in them! I was *thisclose* to considering it but I still have a bit of sanity to think twice. Then here comes asthma! Hacking and wheezing and not being able to breathe.

That's it for now. I'm hoping I survive this health issues I'm dealing with right now. It's not easy. =(