Sometimes, I take pride of the title: the Royal Screw Up.Today is one of those days when I should be wearing that crown and sash.
It's been a really bad day. It started out this morning with an overactive imagination gone wrong and pissed David off.
I've been told that I have a knack for ruining good things in my life and pushing the people, who love me and I love, away.
Since then, I've been on guard for whatever unintentional actions that I might stupidly do. And *tadah!!!* I’m doing the same old crap again.
Like thinking that I don't deserve my boyfriend.
Like thinking that he should be with somebody else (taller, prettier, slimmer).
Like thinking that one day shit's going to happen and I'll be totally abandoned again.
Stupid issues. Stupid paranoia. Stupid shit.
I know deep in my heart that I have a good man in my life. He met me when I was in my worst shape and hung in with me.
He's very supportive and held my hand through out those times. I am truly grateful for having him in my life.
But coming out from a failed marriage where I've been betrayed, hurt and wounded, my insecurities creep up on me sometimes.
I know it's stupid. It doesn't make sense.
Sure, David isn't a saint. He's not perfect. He can be a butthead sometimes but I know he won't do anything to hurt me.
Why am I entertaining stupid thoughts? Why I am trying to ruin something that's so precious to me?
*Le sigh*
Oh, and the cherry on the icing of a 10-foot-tall screw up cake? I failed to inform my boss that his boss from corporate had called and asked for a call back. The repercussions of me forgetting that? I almost got fired. Sweeeeeeeeeeeet!
Weekend Reading 5.11.24
3 days ago
2 comment(s):
I'm sorry you're going through all this. It's hard to put things in the past. You know David is the guy for you, but you've been hurt bad in your past. Those things are hard to get over. Also, you're not trying to ruin your relationship on purpose. David knows what you've been through. He knows you're damaged goods. You've got scars that might not go away. Some times those fears and insecurities won't go away. You're going to have your bad days. Just remember that you've got to get through the bad days to get to the good. I'm always here for you if you need to talk.
I like your blog!
Sorry to hear you're feeling like this. I go through phases of thinking my boyfriend deserves someone better than me too. And I'm convinced he's going to break up with me, maybe not now, maybe not next week or even next year, but some day. *sigh*. maybe it's a woman thing?
((hugs))
p.s. I came here from sleepyjane's blog, just in case you were wondering.
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