Almost there...

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I can't contain my excitement. David and I are planning our trip to Philippines. It's been close to 4 years since the last time I was home. So many things have changed from then. My best friends are now Mommies. They've got their pride and joy and are very happy and content with the joys of motherhood. I have yet to find out what that entails, although I have enough experience with infants, babies and kids just by taking care of my cousins hands on.

I'm digressing. But needless to say, there's so much catching up that needs to be done. Not only that, we're going to be hoping from one island to another so David can meet my family and I'm talking about the entire clan. Haha. I'm pretty sure that the family gathering I had with his family in Wisconsin last year is not even close to how much of my family he's going to be meeting.

All of these have to done in 3 weeks. Goodness! I wish we can stay longer. Well, I can. David has to get a visa, it's not a big deal but we both have jobs that we have come back to and our doggies. We still have yet to look at our options on where we'll have them boarded. Maybe I can find somebody reliable who's going to treat our babies with lotsa love and affection while we're away? There's always the boarding place but it costs and arm and a leg for both of them. I just want them safe and not abused.

Speaking of work, I am still waiting for my approval. I've given my leave application to my supervisor and I'm hoping there's no glitch. We're so short staffed, it's not even funny.

But I'm firm on my decision that if they don't give me my time off, I'm going to quit. My family matters more to me than any job in this world.

We'll see. For now, I'm all about positive thoughts and looking forward to going home! :)

I'm sure the Universe can hear me...

So much happened yesterday that I literally was waving my white flag. I was to the point of giving everything up. I want to do so much, achieve so much but there's nowhere for me to start and I feel like there's no way I could move further.

Then, I realized that I have to make it happen. I have to pave my way. There's going to be a lot of elbow grease. But I know the effort will be worth it.

Interwebs, I'm putting this out there. Someday, in the near future, I will be a great photographer. I will be known as an artist with a heart and my images will captivate the subject's story and personality.

I believe it's going to happen in its own time. In my heart, I know this is what I want to do.

Hopefully, a year from now, when I look back and read this post, I'll smile and pat myself on the back for not giving up, as daunting as it is right now...

This is my dream. I will make it happen. So help me God and the Universe.

Up, up, up and it all fell down!

Have you ever felt like you are so happy, soaring with all ecstatic-ness, full of hopeful determination and ready to take things into your own hands... and then somebody pulls the rug off your feet?

That's how I'm feeling right now. Heart broken. Disappointed. Frustrated.

In my own little world of make believe, I want to be a photographer. I want to rock it out there and capture beautiful pictures. I want to be able to tell a story through my lens. I want to share it to the world, the beauty and the warm fuzzy feeling that's embodied in that photo.

In my own little world of make believe, I believe I can do it. I believe that I have enough support system to do it. That somebody's got my back. That whenever I am in a funk or in a freak-out, I-can't-do-this-anymore moment, I can rely on somebody.

In my own little world of make believe, I know that somebody also believes in me, encourages me, supports me and will do anything to help me achieve my dreams.

BUT in reality, I am not even an inch of a photographer I want to be. Yes, I can take photos but I am on a learning process as I go. I take everything I have to learn and absorb it like a sponge. I am excited and have high hopes of making such dream into reality.

But also in reality, I am alone. There I said it. I have no support network. I have people who leave kind comments and give encouragement and I am truly thankful for that. But what I mean with support network are the vital people in my life: family, friends who knows me, those who are close to my heart... I don't have that here.

I am in a strange place. I live in a small town and barely audible with the marketing strategy that I'm slowly doing.. I'm not saying I need a cheering squad, but I need somebody to motivate me, somebody who is going to take this journey of creative growth with me. Somebody who won't hold me back, not just by saying "Do whatever you want". But also by saying, "Yes, I'm willing to help you and support you as you take your baby steps".

Maybe that's too much to ask. Maybe that's too high of an expectation. I don't know. All I know is that's what partnership is for. You're supposed to be there for each other. Uplift each other's spirits. Guide each other's path, not  because you need to be "holding their hand all the way" but because nothing pleases you more than seeing your partner grow (creatively, emotionally or whatever they want to do for themselves).

I've then came to a realization that at this point in my life, I have to set my dreams aside. I'm not giving up, I'm not quitting. I'm realizing that it's not the right time and I'm not at the right place. I am strong enough to acknowledge the fact that I can't do this by myself. I am honest to see what's in front of me and evaluate reality.

In truth, I need to be home. Home with my family, with my friends, with my solid support system. I need all the love and support I can get. It's not fair to place this burden to an unwilling individual. It's not right to set this expectation for somebody who's done things alone, not asking for help and I don't place blame if that person doesn't understand.

Maybe it's time for me to move on.. to stop placing a square peg into a round hole. That way, I can live my little dream from my own world of make believe and turn it into reality without limitations, without hesitations, without feeling like I'm a burden.

All images are from weheartit.com

She's back home

Nini's remains came home today. She's now in a little wooden box carved with intricate designs.

When the vet's office called, I didn't want to go and pick it up. David had to. Because I'm afraid I'm gonna lose it, again.

We've been doing better for the past few days. We still think of her, every single day and miss her. But slowly, the acceptance of her passing is settling in.

I still tweet about it whenever I miss her. But I'm reassured that she's up in heaven playing and being cute around the angels, Brookelynne and my grandparents.

Someday, I know Nini will be waiting for me by the Rainbow bridge. Until then, we have good memories to hold on to.

One sweet morning at the hotel room when we were in San Francisco. Yes, we take all of our dogs to trips with us. Nini has been to San Francisco. ; )

She wanted to stay on the bed with Daddy. They were looking at Tod and Belle which were down by the carpet.

One day at a time...

I admit, as soon as I get off work, I take the a longer route on my way home. I don't want to go home immediately because every time I walk in the front door, I get flashbacks of  what happened that Tuesday. The painful memory comes back and stabs me once again.

One afternoon, I woke up crying because I glanced towards Nini's bed and saw that she'll never be there again. There was one time when I had Tod and Belle in the backyard and I found myself calling Nini's name too, just out of habit.

I'm allowing myself to process the pain now. I'm being brave enough to go home and walk in the door, greet Tod and Belle and get used to not seeing Nini anymore.

I realize that not everybody will understand what I'm going through and that is okay. In fact, it's a good thing if you don't because then it would mean that you haven't experienced a pain like this.

I know people are going to say, "But it's just a dog. It's a pet. I think you're overreacting". I don't expect them to understand. We have our own story, our own life that we live. My life is my family. Here in the US, my family consists of David, Tod, Belle and Kneesaa. They're the ones I come home to every day. They're the ones I share laughter, tears and silly moments with.They have my heart. And I believe that it goes without saying that if you lose a member of your family, your heart is shredded to pieces and broken.

It will take time but it will heal. But then again, there will always be that scar.

image credit: http://weheartit.com