My Edward

I am reposting this entry because once in a while, I get reminded of that one true love. It makes me smile, that perhaps once, I've had it...

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The binder that didn't bind the pages all too well... blown by a sudden gust of wind... pages of laughter and fun flew out into the air... left scattered on the floor... remnants of the memories...

hoping against hope, somebody will gather and put them back together again...

I just talked to a really dear friend, Au-Au. It was just one of those heartwarming conversations that we share online.

We'd be reminiscing fondest childhood memories, sharing anecdotes, travel plans, authors, FOOD, books, passions in writing, visions and imaginations of what heaven must be like... these are some topics that we whole-heartedly discuss.

Of course, just like any girl who have walked on this planet, we also talked about love and relationships. It's amazing how comfortable I am telling her everything. From a rekindled friendship with a high school sweetheart to my deepest-kept love story which I laughingly called "The Binder". See, if it was a happy ending, it would have been some sort of "The Notebook" but it didn't even come close.

So I recounted my fondest memory of him... the guy who I undoubtedly consider a true love. I met him in college. A very unconventional friendship stroke between me and him. We just clicked and the rest was history. Let's call him Sean.

There have been moments that when I recall, they feel as if it just happened yesterday.

One of which was when Sean and I agreed to met up. He wanted to take me up to the hills for a stroll. We had a bit of misunderstanding while exchanging SMS but I thought we clearly settled the issue. I'm pretty sure it was minor. So Sean waited for me, just as I told him where to, near the baranggay hall.

I was approaching him and his smiling face when he did something I thought only happens in movies, those sappy ones. He knelt on one leg asking for an apology. I froze. There were people right across the street, a beauty parlor with screaming gays, some students waiting for a ride and of course my very own brother, laughing like a monkey. I jokingly told Au that my hair that day was longer than Rapunzel's. Its length went as far as where the Cebu City Capitol Building is at.

Sean was always full of surprises. It even includes a surprise visit! He called me one time, telling me to come out because there's a surprise waiting for me. Of course, him and his grin standing in front of our gate. He was also fully aware that I just woke up, was still in my pj's and my hair was a royal mess. Perfect image, I know. I would have kicked him right there and then, but his sweetness overpowered me.

Sean never failed to make me feel that he truly cares. He wasn't a big fan of text messaging until we met. He would call me if he run out of load. He even wanted to take a quick trip home from Cagayan to Cebu when I told him I was upset over some problem I had. I frantically reassured him that I'm going to be okay.

Valentine's Day came. Sean had to be some place for a retreat. Meanwhile, I spent the day with my mother, my aunt and my little cousin. We were shopping. I received a text message from Sean, asking me who's my Valentine. I told him, just my Ma, my Aunt and my cousin. He was asking where I was and if I'd still be there by around 5 o'clock in the afternoon, to which I said yes.

You guessed it, Sean showed up. A bit of sweat on his forehead, a tell-tale sign that he was trying to be there on time. He was trying to surprise me and boy was he successful! Not only that, he asked for my mother's permission if he could take me out for a movie and dinner. We watched "Brother Bear" and we had loads of fun. Afterwards, he took me home. We had dinner with my family.

That will always be my most memorable Valentine's day.

Sean and I shared a lot of fond memories. There would be nights when he'd take me home and we'd take a quick walk up on the hill just behind our house and quietly watch the stars twinkle and the smoggy Cebu skyline.

I'd love to fabricate a happy ending but I can't even pull one out of thin air. Things went downhill for me and him. I didn't know how it happened but it did. All I know was I'm to blame. I spent countless nights crying my eyes out. My mother had never seen me in such an emotional mess, neither did I.

Months passed after we drifted apart. I'd still see him in school walking along the corridors, we'd give each other a cordial nod. I taught myself to get over him, learn to break the habit of expecting a text message from him every morning. Seemingly, we moved on.

One summer morning, he sent me a text message. He asked me if I needed somebody go to with for confession or just to hang out. I politely declined because I had too much on my hands, with an internship at a local TV station and some classes. His best friend once confided in me that Sean was trying to win me back. He wanted to give "us" another try.

The irony there was, it was already too late. Just as the song went, "All my bags are packed and ready to go"... I was already leaving for the US.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about him. There were a lot of "shoulda-woulda-coulda" not to mention a string of "what if's" and "what could have been's".

Au reminded me of an entry on her blog, "Only Time" and how it helped eased her pain. I told her that deep inside my heart, I have a strong feeling that someday, I'll know why it had to end that way, why I had to endure all that pain and why it didn't have a happy ending.

Only God knows the reason. After all, it's all His master plan. I have a strong faith that He'll reveal the answers in its perfect time.

It brings such smile on my face to realize that once upon a time, a guy treated me like a princess and once upon a time, I met a prince charming who swept me off my feet.

I thanked Au for patiently listening to my sappy love story, albeit the not-so happy ending.

I will forever treasure those happy memories, they're all binded in my heart.