pouring it all out...

Hi, my name is April. I'm 25 years of age and a divorcee.

I've had my heart broken a lot of times and it's not fun. I try my best to snap out of it and move on. People always say, "What's the use of crying?". But I can't help but cry. I wear my heart on my sleeve and that's just how it's going to be.

I tend to be vulnerable. Maybe because most of the time, I chose to keep quiet. I chose to go on my own and not mind people's mean remarks. And I know with this choice, I'm treated like a door mat.

People sometimes call me timid, weak and somebody "you can chew and spit out". I just let them be. Because I don't want to prove myself to anybody, what for?

Today, I was just going to clean the house while I'm alone and I have the time.

What I didn't expect was to uncover some things from the past. Somebody's past. I don't know what to make of it. Was it a way of clinging to a piece of the past? Or was it just "accidentally" forgotten?

There is one thing I know of myself. I don't like omission of facts. Yes, I am fully aware that we all have past. But once both of you have talked about leaving it all behind, then that means leaving ALL of it behind.

I can't bear to see a remnant of someone's past.

More importantly, I can't take it all in that what I am is a filler of what somebody couldn't have. I could never fill in those shoes. Nor stand in for those shadow. I will not be able to replace the-once-was-the-leading-lady of the story. I could never fit in the mold. That was her. This is me.

So right now, I am so perplexed. My heart is broken and I am a beautiful mess.

I know, this too shall pass. It hurts like a bitch. But I've been through the worst.

I realize that there is no use in crying, but for now, this is the best I could do.